The Bill February 9, 2012

We're not going to dwell on the past. Instead we're going to gallop into the future as if this 'weekly' comic review feature has been published without major absences. Sound good? Good.

Let's do this thing!




Going Back to School:

Wolverine and The X-Men # 5
Writer: Jason Aaron
Artist: Nick Bradshaw


I was done with the X-Books after Grant Morrison left. His run was the perfect blend of big, progressive ideas to keep me interested with a solid foothold in past continuity to make me feel like it meant something. To say I was upset with the near instant dismantling of all the cool new things he added to the mythos is putting things mildly. After that fiasco, I was certain that I never needed to read an X-Book ever again. That there would be no new book that would be able to attain that same level of manic creativity. And then Wolverine and The X-Men came out.

Holy. Shit.

This book ought to be a blueprint for how to make a successful X-Book - Nay, a comic book. Each new page is brimming with new ideas, new locations, and big visuals to match; it's a Morrisson book on meth, but 100% more accessible.

This issue picks up with Wolverine dealing with the financial realities of running the premiere mutant school in the Milky Way while the school in question is besieged by tiny Broodspawn. Also, Kitty deals with her magical insta-pregnancy and The Beast teaches a hands on Biology lesson by shrinking his students and hanging out in the body of their janitor. Like I said, the book is full of big ideas. Jason Aaron is totally knocking this book out of the park.

On the art side, Nick Bradshaw is giving the book a big, fresh look to go along with the writing. His stuff is, in the very best of ways, very comic book-y. And sure, at times, I find myself not liking his stuff as much as I want to, but I can't deny that he's delivering some fantastic pages.

I'm excited by this book in ways I haven't been excited in a while. It's a book that inspires as well as entertains, and I hope that it continues on like this for a good long time. I'm in no hurry for them to get back to the same ol' convoluted X-Men stories that got them here, but I am very excited to see them develop a whole new slew of classic stories for people to rip off for years to come.

Wolverine is a Creepy Old Man

Ol' Logan's creepy, feral turn 'courtesy' of Wolverine #105 by Larry Hama and Val Semeiks. And don't worry, they find Mr. Winky eventually...

The Question About Wolverine You Never Wanted Answered

I got a text from a good friend of mine the other day that read: I just realized that Wolverine has to be uncircumcised. My friend sends me weird texts sometimes, he's funny that way.

As I tried to prepared a witty response, I couldn't help but to fall into this mystery of Wolverine's... Lil' Berserker. To wit, I discovered that what my friend had stumbled upon was true, but it was only the tip of the... iceberg. I was going to say 'iceberg'!

First, we need to have an understanding of Wolverine's healing factor. While super charged and fast acting, his healing factor isn't a remedy for the ravages of time. While it's quick to heal a fresh wound, the factor isn't constantly working to heal Wolvie's body. His cells die off just like anyone else's, creating that awesome hair style of his and keeping him from looking like the walking tumor that is Deadpool. I suppose this is just a roundabout way of saying that wounds received before puberty (when the factor kicked in) wouldn't be healed. And by wounds, I mean circumcision.

Speaking of, the next step in this horrible journey is to research the history of circumcision itself. Long story short, the practice became prevalent in the US and Canada around 1900 as a response to the rise of germaphobia. It was widely believed around that time that the penis, because of it's general function, was full of disease and the removal of any... extra folds, let's call them, would make them less 'dirty'. So, giving your baby a circumcision was the way to ensure they would be strong healthy men around the 1900s. And guess who was born around that time?

Strangely, it's never mentioned in the comics if young Mr. Howlett here was circumcised, but we can surmise that odds are he was. Coming from a well-off family that struggled with health, it's not a big stretch to think the Howlett's might have nipped the tip from their son. Therefore, statistically speaking, Wolverine's Lil'Berserker probably wasn't wearing any turtlenecks when he was a kid.

Here's where it gets fun.

So if we accept the fact that Wolverine was probably cut as a baby and that his healing factor doesn't regrow old wounds, then he must still be circumcised, right? Wrong!

Check out this scene from Wolverine's Civil War tie in:

Wolverine had all the flesh burned from his body, only to grow back moments later (A fact that's ridiculous, but is fodder for later articles) good as new. Back to factory condition, in most cases. See, I can make the argument that the healing factor would regrow as the aged man Wolverine is instead of a man-sized baby version of himself by virtue of some triggered blueprint in the man's brain. However, I would argue that any scars that he accumulated over the years would be wiped clean, including baby's first surgery.

Therefore, Wolverine is not circumcised because it grows back that way after severe crotch trauma.

And now you know.

Venom is a Slut Part 6

Figure it was only a matter of time before these two sluts got together. It's like a match made in Heaven. A violent, 90s Heaven.

Lionel Francis Yu knows what I'm talking about...

Marvel's Biggest Swerve Ever

Do you remember when this happened:



Yeah, it was totally awesome.

That was the moment I knew I'd be a life long comic fan. If they could do amazingly unexpected things like that to their characters two summers running (remember X-cutioner's Song was the year before where Xavier was assassinated), who knew what the futures would bring.

That said, I don't think anyone anticipated Wolverine going without his adamantium for six years during the height of the X-Men's popularity. I mean really, who in their right mind would not only de-metalfy Marvel's premiere badass for more than, say, a couple of years. You know, for effect.

And that's the mind frame that set up everyone for the biggest swerve in Marvel history: Wolverine #100



First off, I gotta say something about this cover. I know it's been said before, but man that cover sucks. The GirlFriend took one look at it and thought that giant silver blob was supposed to be a mirror. "Oh, I get it," she said earnestly, "It's like I am Wolverine."

She's adorable.

Anyway, this issue picks up mid issue where our favorite Canadian (Take that Michael Myers!) has been kidnapped by the evil son of Cable, Genesis. His grand plan is to return Wolverine to his former shiny goodness and turn him into the first horseman of the Apocalypse (specifically Death, because big heroes always get turned into the cool horsemen).**



Wouldn't you know it, things start to go awry. After watching the bonding process, Cannonball (who had been hiding in the air vents) springs to action to... tell everyone he tried? Poor kid starts getting whupped on, and with his dying breath levels a world class guilt trip on the guy he was "trying" to "save".



Guilt, being the most powerful force in the Marvel Universe, fuels Wolverine to finally regain consciousness and return to his adamantium-laced berserker self in no time. Right?


Wrong.

Here we are in the big anniversary issue where Wolverine gets bonded to, but ultimately rejects his replacement metal. WTF, my wayward friends.

Oh, but the swerve didn't stop there. Maybe you thought Wolverine was going to be the same, just a little meaner, maybe have a little superficial touch up.

Wrong again.



Thankfully, this... iteration... of Wolverine only lasted a year or so before it quietly drifted off into nothingness and was never ever mentioned again.

But what about the adamantium? How'd he eventually get that back? Would you believe off panel?

That's right, for Marvel's final swerve they finally opted to give Wolvie back his metal as an afterthought buried beneath another huge crossover.

You know, the one where he was a Horsemen of the Apocalypse (he was Death, by the way).

Wolverine's adamantium, a giant six year epic resolved off panel. Way to go, Marvel.

**Hey, so, sorry about the wonky pictures. For whatever reason blogger doesn't seem to like the pictures as they are saved and has instead decided to bring them in at their scanned orientations. It's fun. So I'm going to leave them for now and come back later to fix it. Hopefully then blogger will decide to stop being an asshole.

The Bill September 1, 2010

It was another pretty solid week this week. Solid. Not outstanding, not terrible, just solid. Which is almost kind of disappointing (I'm hard to please, I know). So instead of just going on and on about how great Hawk and Mock was, how much fun Prince of Power was, or how surprising good Spider-Girl was (I'll write a separate review later, I owe it to her), I'm going to prattle on about the books that didn't quite sit right with me.

Sound good? Good. Let's get to it.




Least-Most Disappointing of the Week
FrankenCastle #20
Writer: Rick Remender
Artist: Tony Moore, Paco Diaz, and John Lucas.


Methinks there was some last minute changes on this one. I can't quite put my finger on it, but the super rushed Paco Diaz and John Lucas art is a bit of a tip off. Maybe it's the realization that FrankenCastle is ending (NOOOOOO!!!!),but something seemed off about this issue.

Don't get me wrong, it's totally what you would expect the final issue of a four issue fight scene to be: Lots of crazy action, some wobbly plot elements, and a resetting of the status quo. And I have got to admit that the twist to defeat Daken was really clever. It just wasn't what I wanted it to be, I guess.

Again, it wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. It's just kind of there and that's not what I expect from a book like FrankenCastle that brings it every time out of the gate.

Just color me underwhelmed, I guess. And depressed. Only one more issue until it's all over...




The Most Disappointing of the Week
Avengers: Children's Crusade
Writer: Allen Heinberg
Artist: Jim Cheung


I think I've said this before, but let me say it again for posterity: I really like the Young Avengers. Of all the young teams introduced over the past few years, the Young Avengers are the best realized and the best utilized. But not here.

This book fails on a few levels for me.

First off, I can't figure out when it takes place. I try not to be one of those fans, but this book really bothers me. Steve's in the Cap outfit and Tony's in his Extremis Armor, but then Magneto is living with the X-Men. Meanwhile Stature and Vision are back on the team with no mention of their time on the Mighty Avengers. Or how she ditched the group to be in the Initiative.

Speaking of weird character things, Wolverine is just baffling in this. I get that he wanted to kill Wanda as soon as she went crazy, and probably harbors some kind of grudge against her, but he just comes off as down-right villainous in this. What kind of hero wants gut not only a defenseless woman, but the lost child trying to find her. It just felt really out of character.

Let me say this right now: I will totally rescind these remarks if somehow this story is being influenced by the non-existant Chaos magics. If these Avengers turn out to be some kind of creation of Wiccan's to subconsciously keep him from his goal, I would accept everything in the story thus far. I might even call it a genius move.

Finally, the twist at the end feels like it came outta left field. Without giving it away, it feels like a copout and just a way to get a guest star next issue. Said guest star has no real reason to do what he did, it just all feels so arbitrary...

Whatever. I just hope that after this is all done, we can finally get the Young Avengers ongoing that we've been denied for far too long.




That's all she wrote. Come back next week where I complain about all my books being too damned good all the time. In the meantime, I think I might head back to the store and try to find something different. Suggestions welcome.

The Bill July 29, 2010

Wait. Do you mean to tell me that Comic Con doesn't constitute a holiday that delays the books a day? Crazy.

Well whatever, here you go a day late, the ever evolving Platypus Robot reviews:



So here's the deal, I didn't get that many books this week (three to be exact) so I'm going to alter the format a bit and focus on one of my favorite characters, Frankencastle, who appeared in the majority. Currently he's embroiled in a crossover with Dark Wolverine as a sort of climax to the whole Daken-Carved-Me-Up-And-Made-Me-Into-A-Monster story line.

The Weakest Part:
Dark Wolverine # 88
Writers: Daniel Way and Marjorie Liu
Artists: Stephen Segovia and Paco Diaz


Maybe it's because it's the first part of the crossover, maybe it's because Way and Liu don't know how to write Frankencastle, but I found this issue lacking. The action's there, but I had some random issues just falling into the story and generally following the action.

That said, the start of the fight between our two combatants was pretty amazing. Watching Daken basically flirt his way through the fight was all kinds of awesome. I don't think I want to admit it, but I think I like Daken and hope he stays around...

Shudder. Who am I becoming?

Also, I gotta say that Segovia does a great rendition of Frankencastle. It's not goofy looking like Tony Moore's, but not as awkward as other artists make it look. Frank looks like something you don't want to mess with, a visage that most artists miss.



The Best Part:
Frankencastle #19
Writer: Rick Remender
Artist: Tony Moore


Okay so this is kind of unfair. Not only is this issue mostly just a bloody, no-holds barred, knock-down, drag-out fight scene, but it's drawn by Tony Moore who just goes all out in this ish; It was going to be the best of the week regardless.

As for the story, what's more to say? It's the big rematch that we all wanted to see since Frank was sliced to bits and it doesn't hold anything back. Daken is crushed by a car, burned alive, hit by a train, impaled (TWICE!) all while having to endure the toughest of tough guy lines from Frank. It's all kinds of fun and it makes me even more sad that the title's ending in three months. BOO-URNS!

Personally I can't wait for the next couple of parts of this crossover, because given what I've seen so far, it's only going to get bloodier. And that's a great thing.




Alright, that's all I got for you. If you want me to gush more about Frankencastle or if you really want to hear about how I'm digging Thor: The Mighty Avenger, I just might indulge if you ask me real nice in the comments.

Who am I kidding? I'll probably be gushing about it at some point anyway regardless.

Wolverine Loves His Damn Eggs

Few people know about Wolverine's love of Canadian Eggs and even fewer take the time to write about it. Lucky for us, Faith Erin Hicks is around to help us out, opting to pitch a story around this oft forgotten Wolverine quirk for the Girl Comics anthology.

Marvel was quick to shut it down.

Undaunted, she finished the story and put it online for the world to see. Finally we can all see what Wolverine goes through to get his special Canadian Eggs.

It's so awesomely fantastic I just had to post about it. I hope you dig it as much as I do, and find yourself with a new found pity for Wolverine being forced to live with all those teenagers.

That poor poor man. No wonder he has rage issues...

Fabulous 100th Post!

Woulda look at that, 100 posts on my little blog. Not bad for less than a year. I mean, not all that great either, but still not bad. I feel like I'm going strong and finally finding my voice on this damned thing. Here's to a hundred more!

And, to keep the tradition alive from my fifteth post, here are all the issue 100s I own. Also this will probably be the last time I do this, because A- not many series reach over a hundred; and B- It's kinda silly and I really ought to focus on generating new content. Right? RIGHT!


This book was just floudering at the time, I only bought this because I had the previous 99 issues. Which is saying something, considering that it's X-Force.


Power Man and Iron Fist is the greatest team up ever. I really need to write about them more.


The start of Claremont's second coming and coincidentally when I stopped reading comics. (SPOILERS: I started reading them again!)


Honestly, I bought this one because it was a shiny collectors item. I remember not knowing what was going on, but it was kinda nice to see someone actually die from the Legacy Virus. You know, aside from little girls.


Hyped as being the issue where Wolverine finally got his adamantium back, they sure fooled us by turning him into a noseless pirate for six months. I think they were trying to punish us...


So in this issue, Spidey creates a new suit of armor to get, I dunno, the villain or something. It was totally great, lasers had no affect, bullets were worthless, it was unstoppable! Until someone made it really cold, and the armor shattered. I was very disappointed.


I believe my thoughts on Spider-Girl are pretty clear.


I totally own this book, and totally love it. Iron Man, uh, recaps his origin and faces off against some classic foes. It's great! You should totally go read it and let me know what you think about it.


Daredevil in the mid seventies was weird. He moved to San Francisco, lived in sin with the Black Widow, fought robots from the future, and in this one, fought mind altering hippies. Thank god Frank Miller came around.


Featuring the first appearances by Feral and Shatterstar, this is the book that made me an X-Force devotee.

Shut up, I was 13. Get outta here!

Fantastic Fiftieth Post!

Can you believe it, I'm a regular blogger at this point, Who woulda thunk it? So in celebration of my fiftieth post, I thought I'd post all the fiftieth issues I have in my collection. Lucky for you!


Wolverine # 50 was one of the first special issues I ever got. I remember reading it over and over again as a kid as I tried to figure out who this Logan guy was. Little did I know that he was just some punk farm kid from Canada, and not a badass from birth. Sigh...


I remember I bought this because I had some extra money and it was shiny. I still contend that one day it might be worth something.


Yeah, there was a span there when I was a Spawn kid. As a matter of fact, right around the time this came out, I sat down and read the entire series up until this point. It was pretty alright I remember, but everything hinged on the one issue I didn't have, Issue # 4. I feel like after this issue everything devolved to Spawn somehow moving deeper and deeper into the alleys and constantly complaining that people were coming to him to help. Oh Spawn, the apathetic hero to dwindling thousands, how do you do it?


The first appearance of Post! OMG! POST! He's totally going to be the next big thing. Bigger than Bishop! Bigger than Cable! Bigger than Gambit! Bigger than... Oh. He's dead now, never mind.


I honestly don't remember what this one was about and I'm too lazy to read it. we'll just move on.


Ugh... Double pass. I think this was that period that I was still getting X-Man but I didn't know why. The less said about this the better.


The start of my four year run on Spider-Girl and the beginning of the end of the greatness of the title. But really solid stuff in this issue that got me hooked for a while.


Technically I own this in trades, so I might not know what happens exactly in this issue, but I'm sure it involves some great revelations, some witty dialogue, and ends with a knockout cliffhanger. I miss BKV books, I wish he'd come back to comics...


Another one of those technical owns via trades, but I know what happens in this one. Kirkman shows the freedom you can have with creator-owned stuff and shakes everything up for his anniversaries.


Not as extreme as the last Kirkman book, but it was still a pretty big status quo change. I wish Mark didn't change his costume though.


Okay, and technically I don't have this one either, but what's an anniversary post without some Galactus action going on? Right?

Here's to at least Fifty more, I think I got at least another three months worth of blogging left in me.