Monday, August 10, 2009

GI Joe: Real American Nerds

I love GI Joe.

Where some kids where all about their Transformers, or their Thundercats, I was all about my PSA-spewing, snake-fighting, mostly-American crew of special force fighters.

But let's think about Gi Joe Headquarters for a minute: You have all these people working and living together, cliques are totally going to form, right? You'd have the Popular Kids (Duke, Flint, Lady Jaye, Cover girl, etc), the Jocks (Big-Lob, Capt. Grid Iron, Fridge, etc), the Ninjas (Snake Eyes, Nunchuck, Scarlett, etc.) and, of course, the nerds.

But who would those nerds be?

Never fear, dear reader, because I've done my research and figured out who would be sitting at that nerd table. So without further ado, here's my list of the Eight Nerds in GI Joe:

So you get picked for the super special forces and then you refuse to use a gun, you're not going to make a lot of friends that way. Lifeline would be that guy who was constantly nagging anyone around him about the merits of diplomacy versus using a laser rifle when it comes to fighting Cobra, which would quickly earn him a table with the nerds, the only table that would listen to his rants.

With a name like Mainframe, is it a wonder that he's on this list? An MIT grad who's all about computers, sounds like a huge geek to me. Something tells me he's be more concerned with how many Gigabites he has free, than the size of his hard drive. If you know what I mean.

Dial Tone
Popular belief would be that this beret'd communications officer would be all about gossip, but a quick check of his filecard shows uncharted depths of nerdosity. Making crystals at 14? A CB and Ham radio enthusiast by age 17? Can you say, Lost virginity at 23? I'm betting he had more long distance friends than actual physical friends.

This newly-unretired communications officer would be the perfect foil for Dial Tone. Chances are they were friends from their past Ham Radio days. With his history in the media industry, he would probably finish off a mean A/V trio with Dialtone and Mainframe

Quietly rejected by the other cliques, Chuckles would become the silent, attractive mainstay of the nerd clique, not because he was nerdy in any way, but more because he didn't say anything to stop it from happening. He's a PSA waiting to happen.

A meticulously clean solider with a very unfortunate moniker. Am I wrong in assuming that those two things might be related? Maybe some kind of embarrassing reveal in the locker room as a new Joe recruit? I'm pretty convinced the 'drives real fast' story is just a cover the truth involving bad mexican food, some white boxers, and some incriminating pictures.

Of everyone listed, no one screams 'Bully Bait' more than Tripwire. I can totally see one of the popular kids (Probably Flint, that jerk) sneaking up behind Trip to force one of his spectacular spills. It probably takes all the willpower in the world to not spook him while he's messing with explosives.

The token girl of the group. With her reputation of being a bad luck charm, she would surely be rejected by all the other cliques leaving her with this band of misfits. She would probably be pining for the dreamy Lt. Falcon to whisk her away while ignoring the awkward flirtations from her fellow misfit Tripwire. Girls can be so dumb sometimes.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half involves picking the right table to sit at during lunch. Also lasers.

All images swiped from, which is an amazing site that you should totaly TOTALLY check out if you're interested in GI Joe at all.

No comments:

Post a Comment