The Best Thing From Toy Fair 2012

Hungover E.T.

Sure, the 1:1 replica of the BttF hoverboard, the full-sized Portal Gun (non-working), and the cavalcade of new minimates - including, but not limited to, a Composite Hulk, a Flash Thompson Venom, and a Brood - were pretty sweet, but nothing quite had the personality of ol'weekday morning drunky up there. I can't wait until he's mine.

Quality pictures of this awesomely horrible nightmare of a figure stolen from TNI

What's the Deal with Alpha Flight.

I don't get Alpha Flight.

I mean, I get it, but I don't understand the crazy amounts of love the concept gets from fans. It seems that since I started reading comics, Alpha Flight has perpetually been on a short list of fan faves when it comes to guest stars, wanted titles, and/or action figures. As a fan always eager to jump on a bandwagon, I was primed to love this series.

Spoilers: I didn't love it.



I'm honestly baffled by the reception these Great White Avengers received when they hit the scene. There are some books that I don't read, or just don't like, that I can see the value in like Pre-PAD Hulk, Dr. Strange, and even Thor. While those books don't resonate with me, I can still see the inherent appeal of them as characters. Alpha Flight meanwhile is just boring, directionless, and generally forgettable.

That's not a new revelation, I realize. Good friends of mine have told me that anything not John Byrne Alpha Flight ought to be avoided, but that the stuff from the man himself is great; some of his best stuff even. I now question those peoples' tastes, because if Alpha Flight was Byrne's best stuff he wouldn't be regarded as the legend he so rightly is. They were however right about one thing, after Byrne left that book tumbled downhill in a hurry.

As I alluded to during my secret origin posts, I came into a huge collection of comics a few years ago. I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount, that I still haven't read all books in my collection (first world problems, amirite?). So, when down times approach, either due to lack of work or lack of current titles, I'll dig through to find those runs that I haven't had a chance to read yet. The largest run I had yet to read was roughly 50 issues of Alpha Flight spanning from issue #2 and running through issue #119; a nice cross section of what the Canadian Non-Avengers have to offer.

What struck me the most in the first few issues I read was the lack of the team in this team book. It seemed that the majority of the issues were devoted to gathering and/or reassembling the team that apparently was only together for the first issue (which I didn't read). Seriously, the team effectively disbands in the second issue (which I did read) after a training mishap, resulting in a series of single hero adventures for the months proceeding. For a second there I thought I was reading a poor man's version of Solo Avengers it was so bad.



It wouldn't be so bad, but the letters at the time - Special Note, you should always read the letters at the back of old books, they're such a great source of history. Reading about why it should be Invisible Girl, not woman; why Elektra shouldn't have been killed; or the occasional 'before they were stars' letter is always awesome. But I digress - make the book out to be the best thing ever. Now I realize that they're going to slightly stack the deck in the letter pages, but still this was weird. Fans were writing in, complimenting a book that seemed foreign to me. They were fans of a team that wasn't assembled more than a single issue before disbanding. Methinks they might have been blinded by Byrne love to see the book for what it really was: Medicore at best.



After Byrne left, the tradition of having a team that was never assembled continued for what seemed like years. I'll admit that my collection was a bit spotty, but it seemed that whenever a threat was imminent to Canada, Alpha Flight was always disbanded and on bad terms with each other. Then, of course, things got even worse when the early 90s hit and the book was forced to become grim and gritty to compete. The less said about those times the better, I think.

Not to leave things on a downnote, there was one very cool thing about Alpha Flight: The Guardian costume.



Talk about iconic. That suit's a walking work of art, something that deserves to be standing next to Captain America and Spider-Man as a damn near perfect Marvel Hero costume. Hell, I even like the revamp they did later in the run when they made everyone wear a knockoff version of that look. It's that striking, that it works even when it doesn't.

At the end of the day, aside from a scant few bright issues (Snowbird's fight in the snow, for one), Alpha Flight is bafflingly mediocre. From what I can tell, they're just a different flavor of Avengers, much like The Champions or The Defenders, but not as interesting and somehow more beloved. Can anyone shed a little light on this for me? What did I miss that sets them apart from those other teams that get no where near the love than that Canadian super-team? Am I just underestimating the allure of the magically midgetted? Or fat paraplegics in robot suits?



What is it? I have to know!

Weekend Matinee: THE ELIMINATORS

It's Saturday afternoon and if you're anything like me, you're so incredibly bummed out that the PSN network is still down and you can't watch check out the Netflix streaming. It sucks man. What am I supposed to do, watch it off my computer like a schlub? How am I supposed to surf the internet and watch a movie then! ugh.

Anyway, for those of you with the means to find your awesome movies elsewhere, may I suggest the 1986 classic: THE ELIMINATORS!



This is one of those genre classics that doesn't get nearly the amount of attention it deserves. While not truly the movie that the poster describes, it does follow the Mandroid (I'll give you one guess which one that is) as he tries to stop an evil madman, with help from Tasha Yar, a Han Solo knock-off, and a ninja. It's a match made in 80s heaven.

This is the kind of movie that I always wanted to see when I was a kid, that for some reason alluded me. Thank the gods for the internet and fellow genre fans that turned me on to this, because it's a doozy. Sure, it's slow in parts, but I can't really stay angry at a movie that involves a cyborg that's half tank, hillbillies riding suped up ATVs, a fight with Cro-Magnons, and the ninja son of a scientist (it's like a stereotype squared). It's got something for everyone.

Just check out this compilation of awesomeness and try holding yourself back from rushing out to find this one.



Love it! PROTIP: This would make an excellent double feature with MEGAFORCE, for that perfect "this is what I wish GI JOE Rise of Cobra was like" marathon.

Weekend Matinee: HARD TICKET TO HAWAII

It's Saturday afternoon and if you're anything like me, you're in the mood for something awesome to go along with all the free comics you got today. You're in luck, because I got just the thing: Andy Sidaris' 1987 masterpiece, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII.



It's weird, I didn't see this movie until fairly recently, but everything about it felt familiar. It's as if they took all of the cliche's of an 80s action movie, boiled them all down to their base components and fused them back together. The result is nothing less than pure, uncut awesome.

This is, hands down, one of the craziest movies I've ever seen. It's as if every scene was a made on a dare to out do the previous scene, and to keep pushing the bounds of good taste without totally devolving into a Troma-esque parody of itself. A total crowd pleaser, Hard Ticket to Hawaii needs to be a part of your collection, like, yesterday.

Weekend Matinee: TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE

It's Saturday afternoon and if you're anything like me you've just realized that I've been doing Weekend Matinee's for a year now. Crazy, right? So I decided, that since today is a special day, it deserves a special movie. Get ready for one of the greatest movies of all time, and my personal favorite, TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE!



What? You didn't think I would showcase that Michael Bay shit, did you?

I can't tell you how much I love this movie. While I have an undying love to things like Star Wars, Transformers here was one of those defining movies of my childhood. The music, the characters, the iconic moments, all stuck with me from when I first saw it in the theater and will stay with me until I'm old and gray arguing with my kids about the untapped potential of Hot Rod.

Luckily for you, if you haven't seen it, it's pretty readily available on DVD (or BluRay, if you're one of those) which is a nice change from how it was prior to this latest geek explosion. There was a time, not so long ago, that it was impossible to find. From 1988 through 2001, the movie was no where to be found and seemed like it would be lost to the sands of time forever.

Then, in the summer of 2001, during my then yearly excursions to SDCC, I found a brand new copy of it, shrinkwrapped and from Canada, for thirty bucks. Without hesitation, I threw down my cash and made the greatest purchase of my life (up until that point). Sure, I found it for cheaper later in the con, but I didn't care because now I had my grail.

That summer, my roommate and I watched that movie on a daily basis. We'd throw it on just to watch Optimus Prime's and Megatron's final battle only to get sucked into Hot Rod's journey to greatness. We fell in love with the rocking Stan Bush soundtrack all over again, prompting a new quest to own it on CD (quest accomplished). It somehow was everything we remembered it to be and more; it was the greatest movie ever.

In case you're still not a believer, check that aforementioned battle and try not to get goosebumps. It's the kind of awesome that Michael Bay wishes he could accomplish.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a classic to go watch.

Weekend Matinee: NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

It's Saturday Afternoon and if you're anything like me you're looking for something to wash that horrible April Fools Day taste out of your mouth. Lucky for us, I have just the thing: Fred Decker's 1986 classic NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!



From the opening sequence of tiny aliens rushing through their giant industrial ship, to the final fiery showdown, this movie has a little bit of something for everyone. The basic plot follows your typical college freshmen as he and his buddy accidentally unleash an epidemic of space slugs that turn the population into murderous zombies. You know, standard 80s insanity.

"This sounds familiar..." I hear you saying (By the way, you really shouldn't talk to your computer like that, it makes you seem like a crazy person), and you're right. This movie was the inspiration to 2006's Slither, which also followed the plight of world dominating space slugs. Rest assured, the similarities end there. My suggestion would be to see these two movies as a double feature and forgo any other responsibilities that you might have this weekend.

If you're still not sold, then strap in for this weeks clip because it's got a little bit of everything: Zombies, slugs, flamethrowers, Rusty Grissom, a badass Tom Atkins and a slew of cute girls. Really, I don't know if you need anything else.



THRILL ME!

Weekend Matinee: SAMURAI COP

It's Saturday afternoon and, if you're anything like me, you're looking for something to cap off this amazing awesome week. To my mind, there's nothing more appropriate at a time like this than to bring out the big guns. I present to you the 1989 Amir Shervan classic, SAMURAI COP.



This is one of those fantastic examples of how great a bad movie can be. The direction is just sloppy enough, the acting wooden, and the pacing just slow enough to be hilarious without being too annoying. Toss in an starring role from Robert "The Chin" Z'Dar, a porn star and a body count that rivals Commando, and you got yourself a regular forgotten classic. Add in a few beers and this one's a party ready to happen.

The story follows Matt Hannan's (a former Stallone bodyguard, BTW) Joe Marshall a San Diego cop, trained in the martial arts, who was brought to Los Angeles to help deal with the rampant Asian Gang problem. The movie picks up as he's been on the job for about a week and all he has to show for his effort is casual sex with the hot, and VERY slutty, helicopter pilot. Helping Joe with his quest is quite possibly my favorite sidekick in any action movie ever: Frank Washington.



Every cutaway to this guy is pure gold. He's the Nic Cage of this movie, with his cavalier attitude and lame one liners. I can't decide if the actor understood that he was in a bad movie and didn't care or if he was really trying to be the sassy black sidekick that everyone would love. Either way, it's something to behold and I dare you not to love every scene he's in.

For this week's clip, I was trying to find something that really distilled the essence of how awesomely bad Samurai Cop is. While clips of the big action scenes are pretty fun, I opted instead to give you a taste of the caliber of acting herein with this iconic showdown.

Enjoy!



Now, this one is a bit hard to find, but if you look hard enough, I'm sure you'll be able to find it somewhere on the webs.

Weekend Matinee: CLOAK AND DAGGER

It's Saturday afternoon and if you're anything like me, you need something to keep you busy inside while you avoid all the nasty weather outside. Luckily I have just the thing: CLOAK AND DAGGER.



This is one of those movies that I watched all the time when we I was kid, but that has seemed to drift away as the years went by. Even though I haven't seen it in forever, it was still incredibly familiar, if not just a tad bit creepy on a rewatch.

Okay, so ostensibly the movie is about a young boy who topples some kind of secret terrorist plot with the help of his imaginary best friend, superspy Jack Flack. It's the stuff that all great kid movies are made of, except that this one doesn't have that fun adventure feel to it. Like, to the point that I'm pretty convinced the kid has a psychotic mental breakdown near the end of the movie.

See, the thing is, it's revealed early on that Jack Flack is a representation of what he wants his Dad to be: Strong, smart, and generally heroic. It's also revealed that the kid just recently lost his mother, and it was soon after this traumatic event that ol' Jack started 'showing up'. Clearly this kid is using Jack as a way to deal with his disappointment in his father and the loss of his mother. And then things get weird.

So, while in a stairwell conversing with his invisible father figure, this kid witnesses a murder and is quickly drawn into a complex web of general espionage. Except that every attempt on this kid's life or weird proceeding is only witnessed by him, and as soon as other people show up is quickly debunked. I think this kid was mentally deranged and needed serious psychiatric/drug help.

For those of you that remember this one, you might be thinking that this doesn't hold up because by the start of the third act other people start getting involved and there's a huge, can't-ignore-this-as-fake showdown at an airport. Except all this happens after probably the most traumatic, scarring thing that could happen to this poor kid: His imaginary dad convinces him to kill a dude.

Seriously, check it out:



I don't know what to believe in that scene. Is that dude really threatening the kid with a gun? Is that kid just talking to himself? Is he doing both voices? Is that why that dude is so confused? Did that dude somehow see Jack Flack?

If you ask me, in that moment that the kid drops the gun, the stress of knowing that he took a life shattered his psyche and turned him into an unsalvageable vegetable. Or at least, that's how I'd like to read this movie.

Check it out, and let me know what you think. Happy viewing!

Weekend Matinee: RAGEWAR!

I've never been more baffled by a movie.

I mean, I have intellectually, but not conceptually like I was with this... unique feature.

Sprung from the pocketbook of 80s B-Movie Mogul Charles Band, Ragewar: The Challenges of the Excalibrite (AKA Dungeonmaster, if you have Netflix) is one of those fun terrible movies that pushes the boundaries of what can be considered bad without becoming totally unwatchable. Although it does get a bit dicey a few times...

Basically, the story follows a computer programmer with an unnatural connection to his computer (they're somehow linked in a weird quasi-sexual way), who gets sucked into a digital world where he has to overcome a bevy of challenges (put forth by Night Court's Richard Moll) to save his would-be fiance and ultimately escape. What this amounts to is seven (or so, I didn't really keep track) vignettes where the main character is in different 'video game like' settings fighting some random baddie.

Oh, and did I mention that each segment is written and directed by a different person? Yeah, it gets a little silly.

Personally, though, my favorite parts were the framing sequences with Bull. They were all pretty much the same: Nerdy kid shows up at Bull's feet, they trade insults, the fiance whines to be saved, and the Nerdy kid is transported to his next short film.

For your viewing pleasure this fine weekend, I've found my favorite section. It's goofy, highly exploitable, highly quotable, and stars one of the best mid-range hair metal bands from the late 1980s, WASP. Enjoy:



I think I'm going to run this through my magic edit machine to add a different song written by Bull. Something poppy, current, and downright awesome... Party in the USA, maybe... I'll let you know.

And then, YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR FILL OF IT!

Weekend Matinee: BLIND FURY

How this movie slipped passed me for so long is a mystery.

Check this out: Rutger Hauer is a blind, Vietnam vet/ninja, traveling across the country with Brandon from Step by Step on a mission to save John Locke from evil corporate drug manufacturers. But as cool as it is to watch Rutger straight up murder dozens of thugs with his cane/sword, it's nowhere near as interesting as the personal relationships in the movie.

First, there's Rutger's relationship with John Locke, which can best be described as passive-aggressive guilt, where Rutger knows that Locke's cowardess is responsible for his blindness, but refuses to mention it.

Next, there's Rutger's relationship with the de-facto love interest, that not only doesn't go anywhere, but it wholly dropped in the third act of the movie. Seriously, she doesn't have a line at all in the final half hour, not even in the denumount.

And finally there's Rutger's relationship with 11-year old Brandon, his true love interest. Like most romances, it starts with them at each other's throats and going through a traumatic event. But in the end, they learn to love and respect each other for their own special talents.

It'd be beautiful if it wasn't so creepy.

You can imagine how hard it was for me to find a good clip from this masterpiece. Should it be the "sexy" man-boy love? *shudder* The "funny" driving sequence through Reno? Or maybe the ridiculous ending?

In the end, I know what sells: ACTION. So here, enjoy this scene of some straight up murders:



And you thought Daredevil was badass. Now stop messing around and add it to your Netflix queue.

Weekend Matinee: 2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS

You never forget your first. First bad movie, that is.

2020 Texas Gladiators was the movie that made me a conisuier of terribly bad movies. The formula I use is simple: The more awesome looking the cover, the worse the movie will be with an added bonus if it's painted. I mean, just check out this cover and try not to be intrigued:



Right?

Anyway, the movie itself is one of those run-of-the-mill, early-80s, direct-to-video Italian-imported, Post-Apocalyptic flicks with tons of shirtless dudes and loose women. Other than that, I honestly can't tell you what happens. I've seen this gem multiple times, but could never really pay that much attention to figure out what was really going on. Instead I opted to make fun of the holey shields and bask in the glow of the crazy violence while soaking my innards with alcohol.

So instead of a true clip this week, I found this fantastic two minute summary of the movie. It's pretty accurate in violence and story coherence.

Bottoms up!

Weekend Matinee: WORST WITCH

I sometimes force the GirlFriend to watch movies of questionable quality from my youth. This week, the tables were turned.

She gave me the age old excuse that I always gave her: "I thought this was the best movie ever when I was 6. I used to watch it ALL the time." I should have known it wasn't going to be pretty.

The movie in question is The Worst Witch, this crazy UK TV movie from 1986 starring a really young Fairuza Balk, Dianna Rigg, and Edna from the Facts of Life. The best way to imagine this movie is as a cheap Harry Potter knock off for girls with no heart and a slapdash story. It's plodding, nonsensical, and just generally boring. And definitely not something my inner eight year old wants to watch.

Anyway, the real "Fun" of the movie doesn't happen until near the end when Tim Curry shows up. Yes, ol' do-anything-for-a-paycheck Curry shows up as the Grand Wizard, the best and most handsome of all Wizards, to wow the witches in training on Halloween.

His arrival and the ensuing song are quite possibly the most 80s thing I've ever seen. It's like a monkey ran wild with a video toaster. And it's something that we should all revel in:



Right? Has anyone seen my tambourine indeed. Good show, Mr. Curry. Good show.

Weekend Matinee: SCORPION

Imagine Chuck Norris, but uglier and with less charisma and you'd get Tonny Tulleners, the star of Scorpion.

This is one of those movies that I watched strictly because of the awesomeness of the poster. It was like someone threw Cobra through a window, with the Chuck Norris promise of something amazing. It's anything but.

I honestly couldn't tell you what the whole thing was about, as I couldn't really find the energy to focus on it. All I know is that someone got killed in Mexico and then Tonny had to go on a mission to kill more. Along the way, he kept having flashbacks to his youth where he and his hooligan brother attempt to vandalize a graveyard. Not in the typical spray paint kind of way, but in a "let's knock over some bust kind of way". It was a very odd way to spend a childhood.

Anyway, poor Tonny is unable to move this statue throughout his childhood and the failure haunts him into adulthood. Ultimately, after completing his mission of revenge or something he's able to find the strength to finally teach that fucking statue a lesson.



The moral: You're never too old for some good ol'fashioned graveyard vandalism.

I think I know what I'm going to do with the rest of my weekend...

Weekend Matinee: R.O.T.O.R.

It's hard to describe a movie like R.O.T.O.R. Not the plot mind you, but what it's like to watch it.

R.O.T.O.R. is a Robocop/Terminator ripoff from the mid eighties, that golden era when you could get anything distributed as long as there was something on the tape. It follows a police scientist (with the most badass name ever, Michael ColdSteel) who gets framed for murder by the department's newest robot enforcer.

As a conisuier of bad 80s genre movies, I own this and try to convince everyone I know to watch it. Once you fall into it's rhythm, the movie is utterly fantastic with it's over-the-top ridiculousness, however that's the problem. It's not like one of those typical bad 80s genre flicks that just hits the ground running, this one likes to takes its time. And then some!

So here's the clip for this week. Like the movie, this one is a slow burn, but if you let it develop you'll understand the forgotten masterpiece it truly is.



COLDSTEEL FOREVA!