I Made a Movie AND NOW YOU CAN BUY IT!

I'm sure you noticed the significant drop off in posts around here circa 2012.  I assure you it wasn't due to a lack of love for comics, lack of desire to write, or a passing interest in blogging, but rather because my time was being taken up by something else.  That something else was a movie.  And now you can buy it on DVD and/or VOD.

Crazypants, right?

The movie is LOVE IN THE TIME OF MONSTERS, and I'm super proud of it.  The epitome of a passion project, it's something that my cohorts and I have been working on for a LONG time.  It's a tribute to not only to the power of hard work, but also the grueling realities of independent filmmaking.

"So, yeah yeah, hard work and all that.  What's this thing about?" I can hear you asking (BTW, you really should stop talking to yourself)

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MONSTERS is a horror comedy in the grand tradition of Evil Dead 2 and Slither, full of gags, gore, and girls.  It's fun for everyone!  Assuming everyone is over at least 16.

The movie follows sisters Carla and Marla as they travel to a kitchy roadside lodge to surprise Carla's fiance who works as a costumed bigfoot performer.  But wouldn't you know it, as the girls arrive the fiancé and his coworkers fall into a lake of toxic waste only to emerge as murderous monsters (underneath their bigfoot suits, 'natch).  Now the sisters, trapped at the lodge with other colorful employees, have to fight the monsters while saving the one they love.

As Best Horror Movies put it: "It is the very definition of a highly entertaining film.”  

And Fanboy planet continued:  "Once you think it’s gonna stop, it doesn’t. It literally doesn’t stop until the credits roll."

Excited yet?

What if I told you, in addition to this killer concept, the cast included Kane Hodder (Jason from Friday the 13th 7-X and Victor Crowley from Hatchet), Doug Jones (Abe Sapien from Hellboy, Fauna from Pan's Labyrinth, and just about everything), Mike McShane (Friar Tuck from Prince of Thieves and as himself in the British Who's Line Is It Anyway?), and Heather Rae Young (Playboy's Miss February 2010)?  Not to mention the slew of fantastic up-and-coming actors I'm sure you'll be hearing from more like Gena Shaw, Marissa Skell, Paula Rhodes, Ben Palacios, Hugo Armstrong, Alex Sanborn, and more!  I dare you to find a bad performance in the bunch.  Hint, you won't be able to, that's how great everyone is.

Don't take my word for it though, just check out what Doug had to say about Gena in particular when he was talking to Dread Central:  "She is a total movie star,”Jones said. “She is a screen presence that we’re going to be dealing with for years to come. She reminds me of a young Jamie Gertz, who I recently worked with on ‘The Neighbors.'"

Can you feel the excitement bubbling up inside?

How about our big official trailer.  Courtesy of our distributor, Indican Pictures:

Pretty cool, right?

"Okay, okay. Where can I see this thing?" I hear you asking (seriously though, you need to stop talking to your computer).

Well, if you're one of those modern kids who don't need a DVD, you can buy/rent a copy via most of the big sites like iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, and more.  We're also available on some cable providers, so make sure to give them a look if that's all you got.

Alternately, if you're like me and like to own DVDs, we're listed on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Best Buy.  I don't know if we'll make it into the stores (blame the weird economics of selling DVDs for that) but I'll let you know if/when we find out.

You can go for either one, but I suggest going for the DVD if only because it comes with the added benefits of a Blooper Reel, Deleted Scenes, BTS videos, and a commentary by me, the producer, and the writer.  We tried to make it full of as much material we had because we, like you, hate bare bones DVDs.

Now you know why I'm excited.

If you're curious, but not quite hooked or totally hooked and want to know more, then I'd like to turn you towards the official LOVE IN THE TIME OF MONSTERS web presence.  You can read about everything from our start to now at the official site, LoveInTheTimeOfMonsters.com.  You can keep up on the day to day at our Facebook page.  Or you can get little snippets of stuff via our Twitter, @UncleSlavko.

If you've read all that AND you love everything then I urge you to spread the word.  Tell your friends, your twitter feed, your Facebook, your barber, whatever.  We're doing what we can to get the word out, but any way you can add to the noise not only helps but is greatly appreciated.

I hope you end up enjoying it as much as I enjoyed making it.  Now, back to griping about comics... 

Um... What?

Well...  Looks like I just found something new for my reading list.  Let's hope I can trust Harlan Ellison on this one.

If I Was In Charge...

As a life long comic fan, I have strong opinions about the directions my favorite books have taken.  More than often, I'm really happy with how things turn out or at least am surprised by the proceedings.  Sometimes though, I can't help but to yearn for things to turn out differently.  So today we're going to give into ego and delve deep into what I would have done if I was in charge of comics:

- I would have given Young Avengers the title of New Avengers coming out of Disassembled.  Further, I would let these new heroes inspire the old before relaunching a new Mighty Avengers series, essentially following the trajectory of what Bendis wrote.

- I never would have brought back Barry Allen.  He only serves to remind readers of the boring old days while sidelining the truly interesting Flash, Wally West.  Instead, if they really wanted a Barry Allen series, I would have launched a 'Tales of the Flash' series, set in the past and staring Barry.  Then everyone wins…  but I would win more.

- If I was in charge, Spider-Man would still be married.  Call me a sucker for the MJ/Peter love story, but I can't imagine Peter with anyone else.  The only thing that happened when they magically divorced those two was resetting the timer to when they'd get back together.  My money's on 2016.

- I would have Harry Osborn be the mastermind behind the Clone Saga and subsequently becoming the Lex Luthor of the Marvel Universe.  Not only would it make sense in the scope of the story (Harry was behind the Peter's parents are robots plot), but it would have made for a great legacy of villainy for Peter to combat.  Way better than the coffee shop owner/American Son nonsense that we got…

- I never would have cancelled Darkhawk.  He was the greatest hero of the 90s, and didn't deserve the obscurity that he got!

- Instead of relaunching Spider-Girl with the same creative team three times, I would have (on that third try) tried a different team.  Mayday Parker is a great character that didn't deserve the languishing sales and stagnant story progression that she got.  I get that Defalco created her, but you know, even Stan Lee had to give up Spider-Man eventually.

- Assuming that I still went through with the New 52 thing, I would have made a clean break from the past continuity.  If you're going to do something as drastic as the new 52, it doesn't make ANY sense to hold on to bits and pieces.  You may think that you're appealing to the fans, but really you're just making it harder on yourself.

- Honestly, if I was in charge, I never would have done the New 52.  Drastic universe reboots are a surefire way to alienate fans and make it harder to explain stuff to new fans.  "Oh, do you mean Pre-Crisis Batman?  Or Post-Crisis, Pre-Flashpoint?"  Ridiculous!

- I would have canned Chuck Austen after his terrible Romeo and Juliette riff in Uncanny X-Men and would have kept him far away from New X-Men after Morrison left.  That was the worst!

Those are what I would have done.  What about you?

Who Is Marvel's Batman

Namor and Aquaman. Green Arrow and Hawkeye. Deathstroke and Deadpool. Superman and The Sentry. Swamp Thing and Man Thing. The Green Lantern Corps and the Nova Corps. It's not hard to find analogous characters when looking at the catalogs of both DC and Marvel. These homages (or rip-offs, if you want to be mean) are a time honored tradition between the two companies. However, there has been one character that doesn't quite have a clear analogue: Batman.

Not that Marvel hasn't tried; far from it. Over the years, Marvel has put forth a litany of characters that try to invoke the same ideas of Batman - without sinking into the murky waters of copyright infringement - with little success.

So of the minor successes, who is the Marvel analogue for Batman? Let's take a look at the top candidates:

______________________________

Moon Knight

Moon Knight (Post-werewolf hunter beginnings and Pre-current crazy Bendis makeover) has oft been considered the man to beat when it comes to Bat-Analogues. I'll admit that it's a pretty easy case to make when you take a glance at the character: He's highly trained, works at night, has tons of gadgets, and has a rich alter ego. Hell, he even has a crazy, murderous ex-sidekick.

However, once you dig a little bit deeper, the whole thing starts to fall apart. Even before his recent schizophrenic turn, Moonie wasn't the most sane of heroes. Donning up to three different alter egos in a manner that would make Stanislavski proud, he probably did more to scare his closest friends than his deadliest enemies. Further more, he has a penchant for being a little overly violent, like when he cut the face off of Bushman a few years back. I know Bats has done some extreme things in the past, but he tends to stop short of physical mutilation.

In the end, Moon Knight is more akin to the 90s AzBats everyone hates than he is the Bruce Wayne Batman everyone likes.

Pros: Night-themed, lots of Gadgets, Rich.
Cons: Crazy, Overly Violent.
Percentage Batman: 85%

The Shroud

The Shroud is definitely the dark horse on the list. Created in 1975, He's a blind, mystically-augmented, cape-wearing vigilante that one the surface doesn't seem like he'd be similar to The Bat. In a twist from Moon Knight, as you dig deeper into the character, the more similar to Batman he becomes.

Tell me when this sounds familiar: Ten year old rich kid, Maximillian Coleridge, is orphaned when his parents are killed in front of him by a common criminal. From there he devotes his life to justice, studying criminology while keeping his body in peak form. In an attempt to take one further step into awesome crimefighterhood, he travels to the east to work with some monks... who end up blinding him to unlock his mystic potential.

Now, blind, he's able to access a mystic extrasensory perception that allows him to see everything around him at once - Kinda like Daredevil, but without the radioactivity.

Since then, he's gained the ability to access a darkforce dimension that allows him to teleport wherever he wants to be. So, yeah, that kinda puts him in the 'definitely not Batman' camp. However, given his look and his origin, I couldn't not put him on the list. He's the analogue for when DC finally goes crazy and gives Batman powers, which I'm sure they'll do at some point...

Pros: Traumatized by Parents Murder, devoted life to Justice, got special training from Monks...
Cons: ...Those monks blinded him. Also he has mystic powers.
Percentage Batman: 65%


Nighthawk

In a way, Nighthawk was literally created to be a Bat-Knockoff. In another way, he's the farthest thing from it. Put on your comics hat, things are about to become confusing.

Okay, so as a fun not-crossover-crossover, Roy Thomas created a JLA Analogue to fight the Avengers called the Squadron Supreme. The team was comprised of a superstrong flying guy (Hyperion), a super fast runner (The Whizzer), a man possessed with an otherworldly stone that gave him energy powers (Doctor Spectrum), and a regular human vigilante (Nighthawk). Simple enough, right? Wrong. That team came from an entirely different dimension that only occasionally, never permanently.

The version of Nighthawk running around the Marvel Universe right now was first recruited by the villainous Gamesmaster to be an evil version of his alternate dimension persona. After a brief flirtation with being the bad guy, Nighthawk came to the side of the angels becoming a charter member of The Defenders. Still with me?

So, convolutedness aside, it's Nighthawk's alter ego that makes him like Batman. As Kyle Richardson, Nighthawk runs a multi-national corporation that gives him the resources to fight crime that would make anyone jealous (except probably Moon Knight because he's got his own cash flow). More recently, Kyle's given up the mantle of Nighthawk to Joaquin Pennysworth in a move similar to Bruce giving up the mantle of the Bat to Dick Grayson. So he's like a Batman Incorporated Bruce Wayne now, without the galavanting the world and making out with a Catwoman analogue.

Pros: Literally created to be a knockoff Batman. Rich. Runs a company.
Cons: Was briefly evil. Crazy convoluted origin.
Percentage Batman: 73%

__________________________________

The more I think about it, there's only one answer to this question. There's only one character in the Marvel Universe with a history of taking down enemies way more powerful than them, someone with deep ties to supergroups both big and small, has at least one dead sidekick in their past, and dresses like a rodent.

That's right, Marvel's Batman is none other than Squirrel Girl.

And she would totally kick Batman's ass.

The Greatest Amusement Park Ever

Hey, lookit that, it's 2012!

Crazy how time flies and all that. How was your holiday? Me, I ended up visiting sunny Orlando Florida and the greatest amusement park I've ever been to: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

No wait. That's not how it looked. Lemme try that again, this time with a non-promotional picture.

Yeah, that's more like it. Because it ain't Harry Potter Land - Yes, that's what I'm going to call it from now on - without at least 10 people per square foot. But before I get into all that, allow me to introduce another 'land' from the same park for some perspective on just how cool Harry Potter Land is: The Marvel Super-Heroes Island of Adventure!

Since it was announced sometime in the late 90s, Marvel Land - at least I'm consistent with my naming conventions - has been a dream destination of mine. Seriously, what could be cooler than an entire section of an amusement park dedicated to my favorite four-color heroes? (don't answer that) Suffice to say, after a decade and a half, I had kind of built the place up in my mind to be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, the reality of the place didn't quite live up.

"Are you sure this wasn't something else before it was Marvel Land," I continuously asked the Florida-native FutureWife to her constant denials.

To be honest, there was nothing really bad about Marvel Land, there just wasn't anything special. Sure, there were cool little easter eggs here and there (a random Nelson and Murdock sign, Daily Bugle Newspaper dispensers, among other things), but on a whole the place looked like Tomorrowland with Marvel Heroes cut and pasted onto the buildings. Simply put, everything was very surface.

If Universal lost the rights to Marvel amusement parks tomorrow (which could happen now that they have Disney behind them), that land could be easily and quickly altered to something new. Tear down those giant cutouts of Dr. Doom and Magneto and you're left with just another futuristic looking city street ready to be anything from... uh... well, something futuristic. You get my point, it's generic looking.

Where Marvel Land was everything you expect from a typical amusement park, Harry Potter Land was the complete opposite. Where Marvel was all surface with random shoutouts here and there as an afterthought, Harry Potter was a fully immersive environment with everything in a very specific place to evoke a very specific feel. It was amazing.

Walking through the gates, you're immediately transported to the cobblestone streets of Hogsmead with it's quaint, and decidedly British, feel. All of the major shops from the books are represented, becoming more rides than shopping experiences with their attention to detail, movie-accurate merchandise - aside from the ubiquitous T-shirts and such that are readily available at almost every shop, of course - and completely in character staff throughout. However, while all this immersion is totally awesome, it only acerbates the worst part of amusement parks: Lines.

As cool as it is that every store, bathroom, and eatery in Harry Potter Land is it's own unique experience, it kind of hard to enjoy it when you're packed in like sardines. I honestly don't think I was able to take a full step forward the entire time I was at the park. Everything thing from Olivander's to the streets of Hogsmead were was full of shuffling and shoulder bumping as we attempted to get from one awesome sight to the next, but never enjoying the stroll down those cobblestone streets. And then there's the huge lines outside each and every store, requiring a solid 20 minute wait to do anything from entering Honey Dukes to buying Butterbeer (which is amazing BTW). While the whole land was amazing, it was certainly a test of my patience after an hour or so.

Seeing Harry Potter Land opened up my thinking to how awesome amusement parks can be. Hopefully the lessons that are learned from this money machine isn't that the kids want more literary lands - The FutureWife seems convinced that they'll use this success as a reason to make a Twilight amusement park. I hope against hope she's wrong - and instead are more interested in totally immersive parks. Imagine a Star Wars park decked out like Tatooine, A Lord of the Rings park made out to be part Minas Tirith and part Mt. Doom...

Or a Marvel Park decked out to look like a New York Street destroyed in a superhuman fight with very specific easter eggs and a real reason for the 'face' characters to run around. Now that's the park I wanted to see when I was 11. Here's hoping that's not too far off, now that Harry Potter has shown that it's possible.

The Argument Against Digital Comics

Straight up: The digital comics movement scares me.

Not "scares me" in a I-think-I'm-going-to-die kind of way, but rather in a I-don't-know-if-the-comics-industry-can-survive-it kind of way. After years of being told that the industry is on the brink, I think I'm finally believing the hype.

Let's take a step back and start from the beginning. As I'm sure anyone who reads anything about comics online knows, there's been a big push from the major publishers to deliver their books digitally the same day they become available in print (otherwise known as 'day and date'). This idea, rightfully so, terrifies retailers who can only see customers leaving their shops and heading straight for their computer screens. To belay these fears, the big two have kept their prices online the same as in the store under the guise of not wanting to hurt their retail partners. Then, last week, Dark Horse jumped into the online game and nearly capsized the boat.

In their initial announcement of going 'day and date', Dark Horse declared that their new books would be offered for a dollar cheaper online than in the stores. The retailers were furious and within a few days pressured Dark Horse to amend their announcement to say that the books would be the same price at both points of retail.

Finally, a few days ago, Brian Woods (of DMZ and Demo fame) took to his blog to write a well thought out response to these retailers. His argument basically amounted to: 'the whole industry is hurting for cash, no one's making money, the fanbase is drying up, and something drastic has to be done'.

To Woods, an online component to retail only strengthens comics as an industry and will serve to get more people interested in my favorite hobby. Retailers ought to be happy that there's being made an effort to engage a new fan base that will eventually mean more profits for all. Except that, if we look at other entertainment mediums, it won't.

Here's where my cynical nature takes over.

Simply put: I don't trust these big publishers. For all the nice words they have for retailers and their attempts to 'make things right', I just don't buy it. When I look at the basic economics of the situation, it doesn't make any sense for the big publishers to try to work with physical retail partners.

Let's break down some numbers. Say, for arguments sake, that an average comic costs the consumer 4 dollars. Of that 4, let's say half goes to the retailer and Diamond with the rest going to the publisher. Of that half, so two bucks, carve out another dollar for production fees (printing, packaging, quality control, etc.) and royalties. Finally that last dollar is spent covering the 'above the line' costs of the writer and artists, with anything left over spilling over into profit. So that means, in real rough numbers, the profit for any book is probably pennies on the dollar (assuming that it meets the sales threshold to break even). To say that's a shitty return is putting it lightly.

So let's check out the numbers by going digital with the same cover price. So without having to go through a retailer or a physical distributor, a book sold for 4 bucks nets 4 dollars coming back to the publisher. We'll say that the the production costs, royalties, and 'above the line' costs remain the same, which means the publisher ends up with around 2 dollars profit per each book sold. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out, even with these rough numbers, that digital is far more profitable for the publisher than anything else. The question becomes: What about the collateral damage to the industry?

As an example to what I'm implying, let's look at the home video market. For years, when a movie came out for home consumption, you had two choices if you wanted to watch it: you could either go rent it from a video store or pony up the dough to buy your own copy. Then Netflix happened; rocking the boat first with their convenient 'rent by mail' model, and later with their 'instant streaming video'. As a consumer, it's awesome because I can get almost anything I want without leaving the comfort of my couch. But while that kind of convenience is awesome for me, it's death to the video retailer. In recent years, it's meant the decline of both video rental stores and DVD sales which has lead to decreased profits that are only now climbing up the chain to bite the distributors.

Worried yet?

Maybe we should look at the music industry, that (eventually) went full bore into the digital market place only to see their profits decline and record stores drop like flies. Or the magazine industry that's seen sales/profits plummet as their content becomes cheap and convenient online (not to mention the disappearing ad revenue) while the idea of a newsstand has wilted. The list goes on and on, but I'll stop before I sound like too much of a curmudgeon. You get the point.

Making things conveniently available online seems like a great idea for everyone, but ultimately just ends up hurting the overall industry.

The way I see it, the comics industry is standing on the same digital precipice that all those other industries stood on years ago and needs to be careful to not make the same mistakes. While the physical distribution model isn't perfect, and certainly isn't as immediately profitable, it does more to sustain the industry than a pure digital model could. The implicit costs of changing things need to be weighed just as much as the explicit costs because once you start going down the road of cheap and convenient, it's damn near impossible change course.

In the end, I hope everything will work out; that this, as with most proclamations of the 'Death of Comics', will fade in time. For whatever reason though, I have this nagging suspicion that it won't and I am, for the first time, very scared about the future of the comics industry.

The Punisher's Aging Problem

As I was driving to work today, I was stuck behind a Chevy S10 with a walker bungied to the bed. Just above it, stuck to the rear window of the cab, was a sticker that read: Proud Vietnam Vet. The juxtaposition of these things lead me to one thought: The Punisher's getting old. Like, really old.

As a point of reference, consider the miniseries Punisher: Born.

In this gripping, but dark-as-all-get-out pre-origin story, we see Frank dealing with the dark days of the Vietnam War during his third tour in 1971. A quick extrapolation of dates puts Frank between 20 and 25 years old during this period. Tack on thirty years to get him to present day, and suddenly Frank becomes a very angry middle-aged man.

So ol' Frank finds himself in a unique position in the Marvel Universe. For most heroes, the sliding and compressed timeline isn't so much of an issue. Changing small details like locations (See Iron Man going from the jungles of Asia to the deserts of the Middle East) or motivations (See the Fantastic Four going from a race against the Communists to an unbridled sense of adventure) aren't a huge deal because the core tenants of the origin still remain. For The Punisher though, it's different, he's intrinsically tied to the Vietnam War.

More than the tragic death of his family, It's the horror and atrocity of Vietnam that shaped Frank Castle into The Punisher. Call it a stereotype bias, but there's something infinitely more tragic about soldiers fighting in a war only to be disregarded (or worse) when they returned home than there is in a modern day soldier. It's that combination of seeing/doing horrible things with the lack of public support when he returned that makes The Punisher who he is, the death of his family is just what keeps him going.

Of course there are methods to aging slowly in the Marvel Universe. From magical formulas (I'm looking at you, Nick Fury) to the classic de-aging trick (Magneto, Xavier please stand up), there are some definitely options to help Frank still stay relevant while approaching old age. The problem is, of course, that the fans don't like to mix their vigilante justice with magical Marvel technologies, as witnessed in the massive flops that were Angel-Punisher (The less said about, the better) and Franken-Castle (which is still awesome!).

The conclusion is clear: The fans want their Punisher to remain 'realistic'. Or at least as realistic as a 60 year old man with an unlimited cache of weapons and boundless mafia-rage can be.

I'm honestly at a loss for a solution here. On the one hand, I fully enjoy the grizzled old veteran Punisher that's been presented over the past few years. On the other, I know that septuagenarian super-heroes are kind of a rough sell to the younger generation.

It's a problem that's going to need to be solved in the next decade or so, otherwise the next major transformation the Punisher will go through will involve a new hip and a walker.

The Bill October 6, 2011

I unofficially dubbed this week my 'Jeff Parker' week as all of my books (all two of them) were written by the man.  So what's it going to be this week, the always entertaining Thunderbolts?  Or the surprisingly compelling Hulk?  There's only one way to find out...  just, you know, flick your eyes down like an inch and you'll see it.

um...  Reviews Ahoy!

Surprisingly Compelling:

Hulk #42

Writer:  Jeff Parker

Artist:  Patch Zircher

The Red Hulk shouldn't be a compelling character.

He was a giant, red joke of a character when he popped up, in a book that was only entertaining because it was so outlandish.  His motives were murky at best, his tactics nothing but shock, and his powers mildly ill-defined.  I really liked the start of his series because of all this, but it wasn't enough to sustain my interest.  In a short burst it was fun, but any more than a few months it would grow tired.

Still, with all this against 'Rulk', I couldn't help but to be drawn to the character.  There was something about the design, the over-the-top-ness, the whole package that was enticing.  Thank God Jeff Parker came on the scene to give me a reason to check out Rulk.

There's something very classic about what Parker is doing on this book.  His ability to balance action, drama, a supporting cast, and cursory nods to the wider Universal continuity is something that most writers can't do nowadays.  It is very old school in the best possible way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  This latest issue is no different.

This issue marks the beginning of a brand new story line, Hulk of Arabia.  In short, Rulk gets word that an old friend met his untimely death at the hands of some revolutionaries and leaps off in search of revenge.  Of course, there's a little bit more, but that'd be spoiling.  Suffice to say, I felt very satisfied at the end of the issue and very anxious for the next one.  

Picking up the art chores this week for Gabriel Hardman is Patch Zircher and he does a bang up job.  In fact, Zircher's pencils are a crazy match for Hardman's, giving the book a very nice, consistent feel.

In the end, this continues to be one of my most bafflingly favorite books of the month.  It's full of all the creativity, action, and pathos that I want from my books, and leaves me itching for more every month.  If you're not buying this book right now, you're going to be regretting it because this is a run that's going to go down in the history books as a classic.

The Definitive Star Wars Viewing Order

Since the release of Episode III, Star Wars fans everywhere have argued about in what order n00bs should watch the movies. Some argue that you should watch them numerically, 1-6, an experience the story the way it was meant to be told. Others argue that you shouldn't start with the shitty ones and should watch them 4-6 and 1-3. Hell, some argue you should just ignore the prequels all together. I, however, argue that such linear approaches to watching these modern myths lessen their impact and have devised my own, dare I say perfect, viewing order: 4, 1, 2, 5, 3, 6.

The crux of this order comes from the moment in Episode II where Anakin loses his hand. In the theater I remember being upset that there wasn't more of a moment for Anakin's loss of limb like there was for Luke. I couldn't believe they would drop the ball on one of the most connective moments between father and son. "Foul," I cried out, "George Lucas has lost his damn mind!"

And then it hit me: It doesn't matter if Anakin loses a hand. It only matters that Luke does because it explicitly shows him on the same path as his father.

So it got me thinking about how to watch these movies when they were all finished. Obviously if I watched Empire before Clones, I would want a big deal made of Anakin losing his hand. However, if I watched Clones (and by extension Sith) before Empire then the magical "I am your Father" moment and the lead up to it is lost. So I took a page out of the non-linear storytelling that Tarantino loves so much and came up with my order: 4, 1, 2, 5, 3, 6.

Let's break it down by movie, shall we?

Episode IV: A New Hope

Let's just cut to the chase: A New Hope is everything that a fan wants from a Star Wars movie. It has action, romance, space battles, lightsaber battles, quippy one liners, and truly fantastic set pieces. If this movie doesn't get your motor running, you need to check your pulse because you might be dead. It's the perfect introduction to the larger world that is Star Wars with enough hints to get you hooked, but with enough resolution to make you satisfied by the end.

This movie establishes that Obi-Wan and Anakin were friends in a more civilized age, fought in the clone wars, and ultimately that Anakin was killed by Darth Vader. It sets the stage for a lot of things that, if seen in numerical order, might not jive as well as it would as an introduction.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Operating as a flashback, Phantom shows us the world that Obi-Wan hinted at in A New Hope. Seen on it's own, or first, it might scare people off with it's wooden acting and confusing character choices, but with a bit of investment from a previous movie Menace becomes much more engaging to watch.

You know, for all the shit it gets, Menace isn't that bad. It's the only happy chapter of the saga and acts as a nice contrast to the rest of the movies. A contrast you'll see almost immediately with the next chapter.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Here's where things start getting fun and/or dark. Still in flashback mode, Clones illustrates the friendship and friction that Obi-Wan and Anakin had. You see the flares of that Skywalker impetuousness, the Skywalker compassion, the start of the Clone War, plenty of action, and a hint of despair.

It's here that you start to see the beginnings of The Empire, the tragedy of Anakin's path, and the threads start coming together.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Back to the "present", we find Luke on the next leg of his journey. Without the guiding hand of Obi-Wan, Luke is sent to train with Yoda who is more than reluctant to continue with him. Yoda thinks he's too old (which has been set up by him making the same argument about Anakin in Episode I and all the younglings in Episode II), too headstrong, and, probably, too whiny.

While Luke trains there are hints to his connection with Vader and explicit examples of him acting just like Anakin. So when Luke rushes in to save his friends because he just loves them so much (similar to Anakin in Episode II) and as a result gets his ass beat by a Sith Lord (again, just like Anakin), you expect that Vader is going to make another notch on his 'Skywalkers killed' belt. Then, right when you know that killing blow is going to happen, Vader drops the truth and shatters Luke's (and the audience's) world. Seething with questions of how such a thing could happen, it's time to turn to Episode III.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

With the idea of tragedy and betrayal lodged in our minds, we turn to Revenge of the Sith. Here we see Anakin and Obi-Wan fighting side by side in the Clone Wars, we watch a conflicted Anakin make terrible decisions while stumbling down his dark path, and ultimately Anakin's rise as Darth Vader.

Watching it this way, you feel Anakin's sadness as he's put into the suit, but not in a way that disturbs the reveal in Empire. Further, the birth of the twins isn't such a big deal because now you know their parentage (the Leia thing is admittedly still a bit wonky, but you can't win them all, right?)

Finally, with all the backstory in order we turn to the grand finale.

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

The greatest thing about Jedi, to me, is Luke's ambiguity. From the beginning he's dressed like his father, freely choking people, and generally on the verge of headed to the dark side. All the way until the end and his big showdown with Vader in the presence of The Emperor you're not entirely sure what side Luke's going to come down on. In the end you realize that he represents equal parts of the light and the dark, he's the balance of the force. And, as foretold back in Episode I, Anakin 'returns' to bring that balance to the forefront by killing The Emperor and, at the same time, ensuring his own demise.

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And there it is, the complete Saga virtually all plot twists intact and all the movies represented, perfect for the uninitiated viewer. Now if you could only find someone who's been living in a cave all their life so they'd be legitimately surprised by these overly spoiled twists....

The Question About Wolverine You Never Wanted Answered

I got a text from a good friend of mine the other day that read: I just realized that Wolverine has to be uncircumcised. My friend sends me weird texts sometimes, he's funny that way.

As I tried to prepared a witty response, I couldn't help but to fall into this mystery of Wolverine's... Lil' Berserker. To wit, I discovered that what my friend had stumbled upon was true, but it was only the tip of the... iceberg. I was going to say 'iceberg'!

First, we need to have an understanding of Wolverine's healing factor. While super charged and fast acting, his healing factor isn't a remedy for the ravages of time. While it's quick to heal a fresh wound, the factor isn't constantly working to heal Wolvie's body. His cells die off just like anyone else's, creating that awesome hair style of his and keeping him from looking like the walking tumor that is Deadpool. I suppose this is just a roundabout way of saying that wounds received before puberty (when the factor kicked in) wouldn't be healed. And by wounds, I mean circumcision.

Speaking of, the next step in this horrible journey is to research the history of circumcision itself. Long story short, the practice became prevalent in the US and Canada around 1900 as a response to the rise of germaphobia. It was widely believed around that time that the penis, because of it's general function, was full of disease and the removal of any... extra folds, let's call them, would make them less 'dirty'. So, giving your baby a circumcision was the way to ensure they would be strong healthy men around the 1900s. And guess who was born around that time?

Strangely, it's never mentioned in the comics if young Mr. Howlett here was circumcised, but we can surmise that odds are he was. Coming from a well-off family that struggled with health, it's not a big stretch to think the Howlett's might have nipped the tip from their son. Therefore, statistically speaking, Wolverine's Lil'Berserker probably wasn't wearing any turtlenecks when he was a kid.

Here's where it gets fun.

So if we accept the fact that Wolverine was probably cut as a baby and that his healing factor doesn't regrow old wounds, then he must still be circumcised, right? Wrong!

Check out this scene from Wolverine's Civil War tie in:

Wolverine had all the flesh burned from his body, only to grow back moments later (A fact that's ridiculous, but is fodder for later articles) good as new. Back to factory condition, in most cases. See, I can make the argument that the healing factor would regrow as the aged man Wolverine is instead of a man-sized baby version of himself by virtue of some triggered blueprint in the man's brain. However, I would argue that any scars that he accumulated over the years would be wiped clean, including baby's first surgery.

Therefore, Wolverine is not circumcised because it grows back that way after severe crotch trauma.

And now you know.

Hey USAgent! Who's Your Favorite Action Hero?

John Walker's unexpected response via the USAgent miniseries from comics legend, Jerry Ordway.

An Ode to Atomic Comics

Atomic Comics was my first comic book store.

As I alluded to a few weeks ago, I didn't start collecting comics until I moved to Arizona in the early 90s. What I didn't mention was that Atomic Comics was my mecca when I was just starting out. I don't exactly remember when I first went there, but I'll never forget what it was like.

While I never had the pleasure in calling Atomic Comics 'my' store, it has been the Plutonic form of Comic Book Store since I first walked through it's doors. Every new store I go to, I compare to Atomic and am always left a bit disappointed. Not to totally disregard the great stores that I do go to - like House of Secrets, Comics Factory, Hi-De-Ho, or Meltdown (That is to imply that I'm something of a comics mercenary and I go to whatever great store I'm near) - but they all have they're little quirks that make them not as awesome as Atomic was all those years ago.

You see, in those days, my family and I would make routine trips from our dreary desert town to the big city of Phoenix (and it's suburbs) every weekend. We'd do everything from see movies to bulk shopping at Costco and on lucky occassions, I got to go to Toys R Us. It was during one of these routine trips that I got my hands on a copy of the Mesa Yellow Pages (this is pre-internet days, remember) and discovered a comic store near some of our haunts. "Can we go to this place," I pleaded, clutching the yellow pages, "Atomic Comics?"

Set deep in an unassuming shopping center, Atomic Comics was like something out of my eleven year-old imagination. This location (their first of many) was decently sized and filled to the brim with the books I craved. The aisles were wide and inviting, the walls littered with promotional posters and 'top shelf' expensive books that I could only dream of owning, and then there were the rows and rows of comics. Lining the entire store, it seemed, was a huge selection of what seemed like every book printed in the past three months. It was exactly what a comic book store should have been.

A year later, they moved to a bigger space and ideal version of the store became locked in my brain. One wall dedicated to the week's new books, another longer stretch to the recently released, stacks of back issue boxes, a few shelves of trades, and a big, friendly cashier behind the counter. It was a celebration of comic books and the culture, refusing to shy away from that which made them great. For years I went to that store, and I never walked away from it without a smile on my face and a few dollars missing from my wallet.

As the years progressed and I drifted from home (and comics for a while), I didn't visit the store as much as I used to. I know they moved a few times, once to a huge space that seemed almost too good to be true and then again to a slightly smaller one more fitting of it's niche. I know they doubled their store count, opening stores much closer to my dreary desert-y home, that were fancy and nice, but still not quite as cool as the original. I remember cheering when I saw them pop up in Kick Ass, noting to who was next to me that I'd been to that store (kind of). Even though I hadn't been close to an Atomic Comics in a while, I still felt a sense of pride for them when I saw their triumphs. "Good on them," I thought, "I'm glad they're still around to usher in the kids to my favorite hobby."

Then, yesterday, I read that Atomic Comics is going out of business effective immediately and my heart sank a little.

The closing of this wonderful place is an end of a very good era. For the first time in all my years of collecting, I worry about the future of the printed comic book. On one hand, I know deep down it's just the loss of a small market comic book chain. But on the other, I feel like it's the loss of an iconic, perfect comic store and if something like that can't survive than what hope does the rest of the industry have?

Maybe I worry to much. I tend to do that. I'm sure everything will end up fine, and in the end, it'll just be another casualty on this road of economic hardships. I'm sure I'll find a store out there like Atomic Comics eventually, and everything will be fine. I just hope those eleven year-olds who are thinking about collecting find it first and it affects them like Atomic did me.

Farewell Atomic Comics, you'll be missed. I'll hope every day your comics-style resurrection.

Talking Comics with The FutureWife: Beta Ray Bill

After reading comics for a few decades, I forget sometimes what those wondrous and inventive four-color worlds are like to comic outsiders. Lucky for me, I have a geek-leaning FutureWife who likes to ask questions and, in effect, to remind me how awesome comics are. What follows is a true (enough) conversation we've had when she's asked me an innocent question about one of my books.
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"Who's that horse looking guy," The FutureWife said, looking over my shoulder while I was reading Volume One of the Walt Simonson Visionaries. She of course, was referring to this guy:



"That's Beta Ray Bill," I replied in confidence, "the Horse Thor."

"Horse Thor?"

"Well, Space Horse Thor. Technically."

"Your comics are weird," she responded about to turn back to a rerun of Stargate Atlantis.

"Actually," I said, unsatisfied with my own answer and unable to let Beta Ray go uncelebrated, "He's an alien placed in the body of a genetically-engineered, cybernetic warrior-beast from his home planet, tasked with finding a new planet for his displaced brethren."

The FutureWife had no words. She paused Stargate and turned to me.

"He found Earth on accident," I continued, "got in a huge fight with Thor and, because he had a noble goal, was able to LIFT THOR'S HAMMER!"



Nothing. You'd expect at least a gasp here.

"Which is amazing because no one else has ever been able to lift Thor's Hammer aside from the man himself. Anyway, it resulted in a big fight between Thor and Beta Ray to see who was truly worthy to wield the hammer and hold the title 'The God of Thunder'. It was awesome!"

"You're adorable," she laughed and turned back to Stargate Atlantis.

"He ended up getting his own, more badass looking hammer, STORMBREAKER," I paused for dramatic effect, "with (basically) which he fought Galactus to a standstill!"



"That's pretty amazing," the FutureWife was nonplussed.

"He's fought everywhere from deepest space to the wilds of Canada, doling out epic proportions of power, wrapped in a awesome package of violence! The guy is awesomeness embodied," I concluded, maybe getting a little riled up.

"Sounds kinda cool, dear."

"Never underestimate the power of Beta Ray Bill!"

"The Horse Thor," her attention for Stargate unbroken.

"Damn Straight!"

The Bill May 11, 2011

It doesn't happen very often, but from time to time I have weeks like this one: I got nothing. Not in a creatively devoid kind of way, rather a I-had-no-books-come-out-this-week kind of way. It was a very sad Wednesday indeed.

Have no fear though, I won't let a silly thing like a slow wednesday ruin a good time. I'm sure I got something around here to review. Meet me after the banner, and let's see what I can dig up.




The Best of FCBD:

Captain America/Thor: The Mighty Fighting Avengers
Writer: Roger Langridge
Artist: Chris Samnee


In what should be a desperate cash grab (or, I guess, 'desperate bid for attention'), we get what essentially amounts to a lost issue from one of the greatest, but shortest, Thor series ever. And boy, do they make it a doozy.

This issue follows the Thunder God as he's teleported through time with Captain America into Camelot where they're forced to battle Loki for the belt of Merlin. Now, if you're not impressed by that sentence (both in terms of content and construction, because come on, that's crazy!) I think you might be reading the wrong comic reviews. If you're like the rest of us, and you're interest is at all peaked, you need to make it your business to get this book. You won't be disappointed.

As a side, I want to say how impressed I am with Marvel when it comes to Free Comic Book Day. In an era where everyone is claiming the death of the comic industry is right around the corner (for realz this time!), there's Marvel putting their best foot forward on the day that really counts. Where some other companies **couDCgh**only put out crummy reprints, it's great to see someone out there is taking the initiative to publish something high quality and special to bring in new readers. Kudos to you, Marvel!

Anyway...



Stay in the Quarter Bin:

Punisher 2099 # 7
Writer: Pat Mills and Tony Skinner
Artist: Tom Morgan


I recently found myself in possession of the first ten issues of this futuristic tale of vengeance, and figured I'd be in store for some awesomely crazy 90s antics.

Oh how wrong I was.

Man, Punisher 2099 is THE WORST! The art is frightening, the story is incomprehensible at times, and all the big ideas that are introduced are squandered. Nothing proves this point more than issue 7.

To me, this was the turning point of the entire series, where things went from potentially interesting to definitely disappointing. It was the issue that promised Future Ninjas, but instead delivered Construction Workers in Black Pajamas. The issue where The Punisher's alter ego successfully seduced his psychiatrist by proving that she was right about her hunch that he was a psychopath. I can read bad comics, but I got to have something that keeps me intrigued in it, this was just complete nonsense for 22 pages. Or rather, for ten issues.

I don't know if this series picked up at all as Doom took over the world and P2099 here became his security officer, but from what I've read, I'm totally okay not finding out.




And that's how it's done. What to look out for, and what to seek out. I wish I could do this every week. Hey, now there's an idea....