The Bill October 27, 2011

Jeez, has a week gone by already? Time flies when you're swamped I guess. I apologize for the lack of updates, as things have been rocking and rolling over here (Check out my other blog for an insight) I've found myself without a whole lot of time to chat about comics. That said, nothing's gonna keep me from prattling on about at least one new book this week. Which one? Why don't you follow me after the credits and find out?





The Book I Want to Like:

Avengers Solo # 1
Writer: Jen Van Metter, Jim McCann
Artist: Roger Robinson, Clay Henry


Confession time: I have a complete run of the first volume of Solo Avengers (or Avengers Spotlight). The start of that series (the first year or so) are some of the best Hawkeye stories around, written by, surprisingly enough, Tom Defalco. The stories from that period have endeared me to Hawkeye and made me want to give all of his series chances. There are a few good ones, but most of the time they're pretty shitty.

Unfortunately, Avengers Solo is one of the shitty ones.

'Shitty' is a hard word and not the right one. Disappointing, confusing, needless complex, not fun... any of those are a bit more accurate. For me, a good Hawkeye story involves some snarky one-liners, some espionage, and some high flying action. This issue opted to give me none of that, and I think that's my problem with it.

The issue begins with Hawkeye stopping a routine mugging between a normal dude and a hi-tech armored assailant. Said assailant escapes, leaving The Hawk to figure out why the dude was being attacked in the first place. From there, it becomes a detective story as Hawkeye goes from mysterious benefactor to mysterious benefactor, getting tips and getting closer to a solution. Or something like that.

Honestly, it was around here that the story started to lose me. It's not that I can't handle a detective story, but there's only so many times you can use the same cliches before I get tired of it. It felt like it desperately wanted to be an awesome mystery, but only had two tricks to play before the writer ran out of ideas.

Suffice to say, I was not impressed.

Rounding out the issue, was a short little backup featuring my faves: The Avengers Academy. Here, Hank Pym takes a couple of the more troublesome kids out on a fieldtrip, only to have tragedy strike. It was fun, if a bit short. There's a part of me that wants to continue the series just for those backups, but at 3.99 I don't know if it's that worth it.

Yeah, I don't know about this one. I really want to keep reading and support the idea of a Hawkeye series (again), but not if it'll be written like this. Alas, I fear this'll have to be one of those that I grab out of a dollar bin in a few years.

Oh well. Better luck next time, Hawkeye!

My New Favorite Animal Mascot.

Doc Clamson.
Just kidding. Nothing will ever replace my love of Throg, not even an insane looking, mohawked clam. Not until Doc Clamson gets his own series, that is....

The good doctor flouts his only published appearance EVER in the pages of Peter Porker Spider-Ham # 16.

A Platypus Robot Primer: The Mighty Thor

I figure with a big fancy movie coming up, y'all might have some questions on who this blonde, hammer wielding hero is, what his deal is, and just generally if he's the hero for you. Well, here I am to answer some of your questions with this:



Hold on to your butts, it's about to get real.

Thor is unassumingly complicated. While at his core he's a dude who smashes trolls with a hammer, in practice he gets mired in psuedo-mythology VERY quickly. Call me crazy, but once characters' names have a string of 5 or more consonants, I kinda fall out of the story. But before we get to all that craziness, let's talk fundamentals.

The Basics

Who: Thor



The Basic Origin:

Thor, as presented in the Marvel Comics, is the blond, blue eyed, hammer slinging son of Odin. At his best, Thor wields his mighty hammer Mjolnir to bring the pain (and plenty of lightning) on those that would dare threaten his Godly home of Asgard. Alas, troll smiting is a rare affair which results in Thor's other attributes to reveal themselves and get the God of Thunder in trouble.

That is to say, he pisses his dad off... a lot.

Left without options, the angry Odin does what most pissed dads would do and kicks Thor out of the house, but you know, with a godly twist. Not trusting that Thor could learn his lesson by being cut off, Odin goes the extra mile by sending the young god to Earth (or Midgard) to be humbled by people like us.

Not helping matters any is Thor's adopted brother, and master mischief maker, Loki influencing said punishable offenses. Throughout the years, Loki's manipulations have resulted in everything from Thor becoming a frog to causing Ragnarok and everywhere in between. He is as cunning as Thor is brash, with a silver tongue that allows him to get away with everything... at least for a while.

Since his creation at the hands of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1962, this has been Thor's general state of being. Sure, sometimes he's returned to Asgard - Hell, he's even taken over Odin's throne once or twice - but ultimately he always does something to end up being punished and forced to live his life on Earth.

Got all that? Good. Let's go dig a bit deeper.



Things to Remember:

In my experience, Thor fans are among the more fanatical side of fandom. If you find yourself in a conversation with one of these fine, overly impassioned people, it's best to remember these three thing:

Thor is a Hero of Many Faces,
Most of the time, when Thor is being humiliated by his father, he becomes bonded to a human host. In a relationship that's much more Captain Marvel (the Shazam one, not the starry faced one) than a Venomous one, of course.

Over the course of his history Thor has been bonded to: Dr. Don Blake, an unassuming slightly crippled doctor; Eric Masterson, a blue collar living architect; and Jake Olson (kind of), a New York EMT. And if anyone asks, you favorite is Don Blake. He's the original alter ego, the current alter ego, and in my experience, the less you mention Dan Jurgens or Tom Defalco, the better. It just makes it easier on everyone.



Only Thor is Worth to Wield Mjolnir
"Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor," reads the inscription on Mjolnir. Thor is Thor because he wields that crazy uru hammer and if he were to do something totally dishonorable, he wouldn't be able to lift it. You could argue that this is why Odin's favorite warrior son doesn't make a habit of punting babies into adjoining zipcodes and why he's dedicated his life to being a hero. Occasionally though, he loses his hammer or someone else is forced to pick it up and big Thor fans tend to freak out a bit.

Other heroes have been able to pick up the hammer (Captain America, Storm, Superman [best not to mention that one though...]), but typically only for a short time and not without a strong examining from the fans. Thor fans don't like it when their man isn't holding his hammer, so be prepared for that if you ever get in a conversation with a Thorite and want to argue why it'd be awesome for Iron Fist to pick up the hammer.

Uncle Walt is the Greatest Thor Writer Ever
Walt Simonson was one of the finest, and craziest, writers from the 80s and 90s, with some of his finest working coming on Thor. Talk to any fan that's been around for a while and they'll tell you how amazing Walt's stuff was, and why everything else pales in comparison. I can not confirm, nor deny, the veracity of this statement, but I'm always a little suspect of calls for a classic creator to come back to his (or her) signature book. I'd much rather they move on, but that's just me.

Everything still making sense? Fantastic. Let's put that knowledge to work.

Where To Start

When it comes to the big man, finding a place to start is kind of rough. I mean, there are boatloads of one off stories with this guy, but rare are the one's of any great significance or general mainstream appeal. With that in mind, I've really tried to craft a list of Thor recommendations that appeal to a wide swath of tastes. Let's see which book is for you:


General: Thor: The Mighty Avenger (2010; Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee)
Hands down, this is the greatest version of Thor that I've read. As told in it's own continuity (that is to say, you can just read this and nothing else and not miss a thing), this book tells the quintessential Thor story. From his arrival to his journey to discover what he did wrong, this book finally made Thor a real person for me. Fantastic writing combined with whimsical art make this one a must for anyone interested in just getting a taste of what Thor's like.






Classic: Thor Visionaries - Walter Simonson Vol. 1 (1983; Walter Simonson)
If whimsy and non-canonical tales aren't your fancy, then perhaps you should turn to the aforementioned greatest Thor writer and his classic run. Ol' Uncle Walt wastes no time, leaping into an adventure of epic proportions with plenty of troll-brawling, God-Fighting, and even a few aliens for good measure. If you're looking for something to show you how huge in scope Thor can be, this book is for you.






Modern: Thor Vol 1 (2007; J. Michael Straczynski and Oliver Coipel)
Of course, some of us prefer quiet introspection to violent noise, and for you I would suggest the start of J. Michael Straczynski's run. Changing the focus from a distant Asgard and it's denizens, JMS brings about Thor's rebirth in the most unexpected of places: Broxton, Oklahoma. What follows is a tale of discovery as Thor rediscovers his place in the world, as he helps to rebuild his hometown. If some of this sounds familiar, it's because this was the basis of the movie. It's a great place to start if you want to see Thor's place in the larger context of the modern Marvel Universe.





Current: Thor: The World Eaters (2010; Matt Fraction and Pasqual Ferry)
Finally, we have the most current trade as of May 2011 to help usher you into the books. Here, Modern Awesomist Matt Fraction takes the reigns and infuses Thor with a bit of science fiction as he brings back the epic storytelling Uncle Walt was so fond of. I don't know too much about this one, except that it involves other worlds like Asgard that were previously unknown. However, as the start of a new creative team, it's the perfect place for someone who wants to read the book for the long term to start.




Conclusion

In the end, Thor can overly confusing or incredibly satisfying, depending on the story you read of his. My advice on Thor is to start small. If you haven't read comics before, test the waters a bit with Thor: The MIghty Avenger where the excess is stripped away, before attempting to leap into The World Eaters.

Whatever you do, just remember one last thing: Leave what you know about Norse Mythology at the door. Stan used all those old stories as a jumping off point, and created his own little pantheon free of the original's continuity.

Now, get out there and start reading!

Come back to let me know what you think, and in the meantime I'll start cooking up my next Primer.

Making The Most of Your Minimates

I love minimates. Can't get enough of 'em.

Since 2003, Art Asylum has been pumping out these two inch hunks of plastic and don't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. I've been there since the beginning, so you can imagine that I have a fairly sizable collection.



All I can say is: Thank God their only two inches tall. Can you imagine if I had 200 plus six inch figures? There wouldn't be room for empty space anywhere in the apartment. It'd look like a toy store threw up and/or a five year old's dream come true. I speak from experience, you should see my old place.

I'm getting off track.

My point is, when you've been collecting these for as long as I have, you're bound to have multiple versions of the same character. Sometimes, it's exactly what you want (as in"Finally, the good version I was waiting for") but most of the time it's just different variations on something you already have and like.

Such is the nature of the two or four packs the figures come in that you're more than likely going to have an overabundance of the latter. But here's where the awesomeness of minimates come in. With their modular bodies ti becomes very easy to alter a boring variation into a new figure that's both wanted and likely never to be made. Just check out what I've made:

90s Namor

Parts Used:
1- Invaders Namor
1- Atlantean Soldier Hair
2- Atlantean Soldier Wrist Guard OR Nova Wrist Guard

Say hello to the Savage King of the Seas. After a simple hair and accessory swap, the ordinarily classic Namor goes from 1930s to the 1990s, when, for whatever reason, he grew his hair out and became more violent. Because, you know, the 90s.

As an aside, I'm sure the 90s was a very awkward period for the Illuminati. Between the savage king of the seas, Teen Tony, the full face masked Dr. Strange, Evil Xavier, Teen Black Bolt, and hostage survivor Reed, it was a bad time all around. I'm sure every meeting ended with someone in tears, and it was probably either Teen Tony or Reed.

90s Kristoff Doom

Parts Used:
1- First Appearance Doom
2- Secret Wars Doom feet
2- Secret wars doom arms
1- Silver Iron Man hand

Otherwise known as, that kid who thought he was Dr. Doom, but totally wasn't. Introduced during John Byrne's run as the heir to Doom's throne, and seemingly dealt with at the end of Walt Simonson's run, Kristoff Vernard probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Up until he was co-opted by Tom Defalco, and made an unofficial member of the Fantastic Four (which at the time boasted something like 17 members... Lord I hate that run) and had him fall in love with Cassie Lang for a spell. He disappeared during the Onslaught fiasco and hasn't been seen since.

But hey, that history shouldn't stop you from trying to complete your own 90s version of the Four. This guy goes perfectly with the scarred, bucket-head Thing that came out a few years ago and, God willing, with the Peak-a-boo Sue that I'm sure they'll release at some point.

The recipe here is a bit more complicated, but not by much. Basically just use your new First Appearance Doom as a base, remove the hood, switch out the feet, arms, and hands, and boom. Brand new mate. For a fun added bonus, add an energy effect to one of his hands to make him look just that much more menacing... until you realize that under that armor, he's just a horny 12 year old.

Doppleganger

Parts Used:
1- Six Armed Spider-Man
1- Head of Spider Carnage
4- Arms of other Spider-Men

The good, and bad, thing about the minimate line is that there's always plenty of Spider-Men. Be it new costumes or retreads of the classic, they've probably made exactly what you want, except for maybe this guy.

The Doppleganger was somehow one of the only monstrous double characters that survived the Infinity War crossover (the other being the Daredevil double, because why not), who also had life as a villain for a while. Well, villain is too big of a word for this guy, more like bad guy pet. He was like to Carnage and Shriek what Panthor was to Skeletor or Salacious Crumb was to Jabba; Evil by the nature of who he hung around with.

Anyway, with a quick head and arm swap, suddenly that boring old six-Armed Spidey looks positively threatening. Best of all? If you swap the bare arms with the Smiling Spidey of wave 4, he kinda looks like Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



Well I think so at least. Maybe if I gave him some fake tattoos...

Monstro

Parts Used:
1- MAX Fireman
1- Wonder Man head
1- X-Force Cable hair piece

Going from obscure 90s to obscure 00s, here's Robert Kirkman's reinvention of Monstro.

Yeah yeah, I know: "Wha..? Who?" Back a few years ago, Marvel had relaunched Amazing Fantasy as a character try out book. And when issue 15 was due to come out, they decided to cram it full of as many new characters as they could, some much better (like Amadeus Cho, Black Jack, and Monstro, of course) than others (everything else).

Later, Monstro popped up again as a member of Damage Control in the short lived (and written by Kirkman) Irresponsible Ant Man series. Since then he's cameoed here and there, but he's pretty obscure, don't feel too bad if you don't know about him.

I, on the other hand, had this custom in my head as soon as I saw they were coming out with firemen. I'm crazy like that. I simply swapped the heads, added some right enough hair, and was on my way.

I'm way more proud of this than I ought to be, I think.

8-Ball

Parts Used:
Scrounged Black body parts
Scrounged white feet and hands
Sculpy
1 MAX Fireman's hook

Yeah, that's right. I made an 8-Ball because he's the BEST CHARACTER EVER! Also, it was really easy to make. If you don't know who this guy is, you should be ashamed, because I wrote a big article on him a few weeks ago. Read it here, it's fun, I promise.

After falling in love, I just had to immortalize him in plastic and it was remarkably easy. I just rolled a ball of sculpy about the size of a minimate head, squished it on the body to get the hole right, and baked it. After baking, I printed out a bunch of 8's, found the font and size that fit, and modge podged it on.

I don't have to tell you, the result is TOTALLY RAD! Look at it again!



There you go, something to start you on your way to making your old minimates work for you. I'll let you know if I get any more bright ideas, but in the meantime if you got any awesome ones and wanna share it, I'm all about it.

Lord knows I'm always looking for some way to repurpose my old figures.

Thunderstrike Just Got MORE 90s

I think it's fairly apparent that I'm a fan of 90s Marvel.

From the artificial angst and the constant grimaces, to the leather jackets and dark sunglasses, the 90s was a very... special time. And as the years have gone by, the books have just gotten better. Well, better in an MST3K kinda way maybe.

Anyway, lately I've been intrigued by Thunderstrike. After rereading the first issue, I found myself pretty stoked for the character and the new series. I mean, sure it's cheesy and written by Tom DeFalco, but I'm sure it won't be that bad. Right?

At least I thought so, until I saw this in the Marvel January Solicts:



It's like they're actively trying to get me to not read it. Don't get me wrong, I think mohawks and lighting are as awesome as the next guy, but this is just... not right. He looks like a he's in some kind of deranged Kid N'Play/Poison cover band.

Sigh.

Well, I'm sure it'll be a fun read in 2020.

The End of Spider-Girl

I give Tom DeFalco a lot of shit on this site. I rag on everything from his pacing, to his characters, to general story lines; There isn't a ton of his stuff that I let pass without some snark.

That said, he did a pretty good job on Spider-Girl: The End. Not a great one, but still a better job than I expected.



The story is what you expect, the last adventure of Spider-Girl. As told by an old woman (kind of. The POV is a bit wonky), we see ol' May Parker's final showdown with her villainous clone, April, in which May sacrifices herself to save the other's life. And I have to admit, I was pretty surprised that DeFalco did this, as he tends to eschew those deathly moments most of the time.

Of course, it turns out that the old woman telling the story is April, and because of her actions the world has become a terrible place. Humans live in the sewers, hunted by Carnage-esque "Bio-Preds", while the remaining superheroes work on a plan to end this insanity. The plan, of course, involves time travel.



As expected, April heads into the past to stop herself from killing (albeit accidentally) May. As a result, April learns of the horrible future and ends up sacrificing herself to save May, giving May the first large personal trauma in her superhero life (I don't count the death of Crazy Eight, that was just silly). Good for DeFalco for going for it. It's about time May had to deal with some real emotions.



While this issue had some great moments, it also really highlighted the problems with the title. For being a book that prides itself on being full of retro-classic, done-in-one adventures, there was a lot of excess story baggage. It's the unfortunate result of only having one writer for 12 years.

I know how this sounds, but hold on and lemme explain.

Have you ever tried to read a Claremont story from the late eighties? As was Jim Shooter's orders ("every issue could be someone's first"), there's all this exposition in it to help a new reader catch on, but it's still really dense and confusing. Even if you try to read a new jumping on point (like X-Men #1 or Uncanny #281), there's still all this crazy stuff you need to know because Claremont still had his master story to tell, regardless of issue numbers. It's the same problem Spider-Girl has.



When Spider-Girl would get a fresh start, it ended up just being a continuation of what came before it. That's not to say DeFalco didn't try. Lord knows he did a much better job than Claremont ever could making the book accessible, yet he still fell into the trap of continuing his 'master' story.

In the end, I'm really glad that DeFalco got a chance to tie up his loose ends and put the book to rest, even if it's not how he probably imagined it. And now that he's placed the reins on the ground, I can't wait until someone else picks them up and runs with them and takes the one true Spider-Girl to new heights.

Ben Grimm isn't sold on this hero thing...

...and he does make a mean pizza pie.


From my favorite Fantastic Four run ever (/sarcasm) by Terrible Tom DeFalco and Palatable Paul Ryan. Maybe they're the ones that should have opened a pizza place...

The Fantastic Three

Apparently Marvel's first family is having something of an anti-membership drive.

According to an interview with Jonathan Hickman earlier in the week, it's his big storyline he's been working towards since he took over the book last year. It's gonna be huge! Drastic! And totally unlike anything the Fantastic Four have ever dealt with!

Assuming you discount the Tom DeFalco run of the mid 90s.



It's okay, everyone wants to forget that run too.

Part of me feels bad for DeFalco. Here's a guy that idolized Stan Lee and Marvel growing up, who fell in love with the witty, innovative stories of the early 60s so hard that the only thing he wanted to do when he got older was write his own. He's like a proto-Robert Kirkman, but without the manifestos.



I can only imagine how exciting it was for DeFalco to start writing the book that started it all. He was going to bring it back to it's roots; make it a book about mystery, intrigue, and exploration. A book that hits the ground running and never stops to take a breath, just like Stan's old stories.

Herein lies the problem.

You see, while Stan wrote his stories at a breakneck pace, he also gave them plenty of time to be people; the kind that his readers, like DeFalco, could identify with. The stories about Attilan, Atlantis, or Annihilus, were just the frosting on a delicious cake of characterization. Defalco didn't quite get that, and instead gave us a big ol'plate of frosting without all that characterization to gum up the works.

To make matters worse, he took over during the gimmick-iest part of the 90s. In short order he made Johnny an arsonist, Sue an exhibitionist, Ben even more hideously disfigured, and Reed a fashion victim (Science vest, to the rescue!).



DeFalco then spiced things up more by: making Johnny's wife Alicia Masters secretly a Skrull; having the ill-fated Dr. Doom heir, Kristoff, on the team's support staff; and introducing the see-X-Men-we-can-do-confusing-too older version of Franklin Richards. It was a rough time to be a fan of The Four.

But the biggest, most daring, drastic thing Defalco did during his six year tenure on the title was kill Reed Richards.



And then kept him dead for the next three years.

It was the ballsiest, most original thing that DeFalco did on the title, even if he didn't take the time to let the characters mourn. It's too bad to, because this could have been one of those classic moments in Fantastic Four history and the set up for a groundbreaking, innovate run that would have made Stan jealous. Instead, Defalco blew right through it, lessening it's impact in both the reader's minds and the history books.

Well except for crazy fans like myself.



So, am I upset that Hickman is doing a similar story? Not at all, I think Hickman will do a bang up job, just like he's been doing for the past year (or so I hear). I think it's a much better creative environment to pull something like this off, and will reverberate through the current Marvel U the way that Reed's death should have in the 90s.

I'm just hoping this time around, the surviving members don't have to be such fashion faux pas.

Where's The Love for the Scarlet Spider?

Does it strike anyone else as odd that there isn't a Scarlet Spider running around in the Marvel U? And no, I don't mean the Iron Spider, MVP clone that popped up in Avengers: Initiative. I'm talking about this guy:



I know there are many who disagree with what I'm about to say (I'm looking at you Wizard, circa 1998), but: I really dug this costume when I was a kid.

The deep reds, the slanty spider, the exposed webshooters, the belt!; It was awesome! I've always said that my younger self had no account for taste, but this is one of those times that I don't disagree. I've always really liked the design; an under-appreciated classic from Tom Lyle.

So what's with the lack of love?



It seems like most big costume changes eventually spin off into their own character. Spider-Man has a whole litany of spinoff characters just based on his laundry: Venom, Spider-Girl (May Parker, she wears Ben's suit), Ricochet, Dusk, Prodigy, Hornet (WOO SLINGERS!), and the aforementioned Scarlet Spider (Iron Spider suit).

It's a phenomenon that's not just tied to Spider-Man. Check out: Captain America (Nomad, USAgent, Super-Solider [10 bucks says Bucky takes it over this time next year]), Superman (Steel, The Eradicator, Superboy, The cyborg Superman [technically they were people pretending to be him, but whatever it still works]], or to a lesser extent Iron Man (War Machine) and Wolverine (Daken).

Crazy, right? So what's the problem with the Scarlet Spider?



You think it might be the history, but that doesn't make sense. A few years ago Marvel was a little shy to mention all the clone stuff, but the recent Brand New Day stuff has brought Kaine (Peter's deformed clone) back into the fold and at least name checked Ben.

You'd think Marvel is trying to distance themselves from knockoff characters. But then you realize that recently War Machine got a huge push, and currently Thunderstrike is poised to make a comeback. Not to mention Daken and X-23 riding the Wolverine wave. Or hell, all the Dark Reign nonsense when all the villains were dressed as the heroes, giving us two versions of each character.

Maybe they just don't want to acknowledge Tom Lyle?



In the decade (PLUS!) since the scarlet threads were retired, they've only showed up once... In Spider-Girl. Good for Tom DeFalco.

In all seriousness, the ties to The Scarlet Spider was what got me to pick up Spider-Girl in the first place. And then when they flirted with the idea of having someone else pick up the mantle, I was super excited. When it just ended up being a tease, I was kinda done with the whole thing.



What makes this so weird to me is that it's not as if Marvel shies away from the scarlet one when it comes to outside media. Toys, statues, appearances in video games, Ol' Scar-Spi shows up all over the place. Except in the comics.

So I'm putting this out in the universe: I want the Scarlet Spider (or at least the costume) return to the pages of Marvel Comics. It'll take some doing, and maybe some letter writing, but it can be done.

Who's with me?

First Issue Spectacular - Thunderstrike

If you haven't heard, you're second favorite Thor stand in (Sorry Red Norville, maybe next year) is headed back to the (proverbial) newsstand. That's right, news broke this week that Thunderstrike is coming back from the dead later this year to wow you just like he did in the early 90s.

What? You don't remember being wowed by him in the early 90s? Sounds like it's time for a First Issue Spectacular. Don't try to hide it, I know you're excited.

Let's leap into the world of knock-off Asgardian action as only Tom Defalco and Ron Frenz can deliver.



The issue begins with activities you would automatically associate with Thor or his knockoffs: Carjacking.

Here we find some street-level goons jackin' some old lady when Not-So-Thor arrives on the scene to bust some heads and take some names. After a short scuffle, and lots of destruction, Not-So-Thor is victorious and reveals just how not Thor he is:



No wonder he was booted out of Asgard, it's all insurance rates and liability with him. I'm sure They couldn't boot him down the rainbow bridge fast enough after he tried to talk to Vostagg about the dangers of over eating. Sheesh, man, live a little.

Back to the story, Not-So-Thor flies off late for a date, and musing that he needs to come up with a better name for himself. I guess he doesn't like Not-So-Thor. We get a brief recap here of his history so far: How he was Thor until the real thing came back, who in exchange for the hammer gave Not-So-Thor a mace called Thunderstrike.



Now, I know that's supposed to be an uplifting message on that mace, but I can't help to read it as a guilt trip. "The world still needs heroes, Thunderstrike," now get out of bed and go get me some coffee or something. It makes me laugh, I've been saying it all week.

Anyway, from here the real 90s-ness of the book starts to take over. First we follow our hero's ex-wife and her husband as he gets carjacked which leads to the introduction of the dreadlocked and metal-masked villain, Carjack (Convenient!). Next, vowing revenge for what Carjack has perpetrated, we meet the anti-est of anti-heroes, BLOODAXE!



Seriously if I wanted to show someone an example of 90s craziness (that wasn't Image) I would probably show them these two. As much as I give those early Image creations shit for being uber-90s, they're avante garde brilliance compared to this. And yes I say that as a kid who thought BLOODAXE looked super awesome when I was twelve.

So BLOODAXE goes to fight Carjack, Not-So-Thor goes to stop them and gets his ass whooped. It's kind of embarassing for everyone involved, but mostly for Not-So-Thor because he was beaten so thoroughly. It's so bad that right away he decides he needs to change his look to distance himself from that fight.



Empowered by this change of wardrobe, Not-So-Thor takes on BLOODAXE again, this time vowing not to go like a bitch. Good thing too, otherwise he would have had to get another new costume and that gets really expensive.

This time, eschewing the traditional choreographed Thor plan of attack, Not-So-Thor opts for a more... elegant solution.



Sure enough it works. After successfully flailing his mace around, he hooks BLOODAXE's axe and then drops a building on the man. Precision might not be his strong point, but what are you gonna do.

Finally, here at the end of the book, with BLOODAXE out of commission, Carjack.. umm... out of sight, Not-So-Thor finally comes up with a name of his own.



Elegant as always. Can't wait to have you back, er Thunderstrike, I'm sure the world has missed you.

Or at least they would, if they remember who you were.

How I would save Spider-Girl

A while back I wrote an article about how I really want to like Spider-Girl, but just couldn't connect to it. Well, after months of consideration, I came up with an idea to reinvigorate the series, something that I'm sure all the true fans will absolutely hate.



Let's get started from the bottom up, shall we?

The Creative Team

For a book that's trying to rope in that mythical young girl demographic, it does nothing to really appeal to those younger sensibilities. Right now Spider-Girl is the best example of an old school, done-in-one Marvel comic which is what the diehards like about it, unfortunately it mainly only appeals to those older fans.

What the book needs is a creative team that respects the Silver Age trappings of the book, but that can do so with more modern sensibilities. A Sean Mckeever, Phil Tobin, Dan Slott, Jeff Parker, or even a Kathryn Immonen (a woman on a female lead book, go figure) would have a blast on a book like this without violating the tone of it.

For the record, it's not that Tom Defalco's a terrible writer, it's just time for him to let the book go. It's amazing that he was able to create a character and shepard her adventures for 15 years, but eventually you just need an influx of new ideas lest the book become stagnant and unappealing to new readers.

On the art side, frankly, Sal Buscema needs to go. His rigid inking style pulls the wrong aspects out of Frenz's pencils, making the characters look much older then they're supposed to, making the book less appealing. Youth is all about smooth lines and fluid movement, something that Frenz can do fine, but needs a different inker to really accentuate it (See Spider-Girl 52).

The Status Quo



For the duration of it's run, Spider-Girl has been doing it's best impression of Spider-Man circa 1964 and it's time for a change. I understand the mentality of keeping May in high school in that on paper it seems like it's the way to appeal to kids, but it's never rung true for me. I feel like kids want to look up to someone and don't necessarily care if they're fictional heroes are the same age or not. In fact, I would argue that Spider-Man was the coolest, and really took off in popularity once he went to college. Think about it, the majority of his defining storylines happen when he's in college (The machinery lifting in ASM 42, Spider-Man No More ASM 50, The Death of Gwen Stacey ASM 121, etc.) But I digress, here are my three steps to save Spider-Girl.

Step one: Get her out of High School.
May Parker doesn't act, talk, or look like a high schooler so why pretend anymore? In a perfect world, not only would I have her graduate, I would flash forward a few years and pick up the story while she's mid-way through her college education, studying to be a social worker.

Tom Defalco once said the difference between Peter and May is that Peter acts because when he doesn't people die, while May acts because when she does, people live. It's a slight difference on the same theme, but reveals how deep May's sense of responsibility is.

Social work, in that the idea of helping people get through the rough times and supplying them with the resources that they need, seems like the perfect profession for May. It accentuates her penchant for giving super villains second chances (See Normie, Raptor, Electra, etc.) and her sense of responsibility.

Step two: Tragedy.
This is a tricky step, but probably the most necessary, as all great Marvel characters have a bit of tragedy in their back story.

It would be really easy to slaughter someone from the supporting cast and give May some grit and determination to be a hero, but it wouldn't be right for the character. Going back to the "her actions means people live" thing, she would need to experience someone dying in a way that she couldn't control, like from a disease. More specifically that person should be one of her parents.

Now I'm on the fence as to which, because both have merits. On the one hand, having Peter pass would give her the motivation to continue the legacy and help her get out from the shadow of her father. On the other, Mary Jane passing could force Peter to really grow up, and stop taking stupid risks by coming out of superhero retirement. Either way, it would make May do what she does to honor that passed parent, and add a depth to her sense of responsibility.

Step Three: A New Rogues Gallery.
I mentioned this too in my previous article, but seriously she needs to stop going up against cheap knockoffs of Spider-Man's villains and it needs to stop.



When you think of any classic superhero's rogue's gallery, you'll see a collection of mirror images of that hero. Batman's the best example, where each one of his villains are some distorted vision of the virtues that he holds dear. Spider-Man's the same way, his big lasting villains are people corrupted by science. Now look at Spider-Girl's rogues and what do you see? They're all her enemies because they were her father's enemies (for example, currently her book is filled with villains from the mid-80s Silvermane, Man Mountain Marko, Black Tarantula, etc.).

If Spider-Girl is ever going to become her own hero she needs to start developing some true rogues that reflect who she is as a person, not who her father was. How about a girl who didn't grow up with supportive parents and became a supervillain? what about a villain of pure id, that doesn't feel responsible for their own actions? Feminist upset at the name Spider-Girl? Something. Anything would be better than the rehashes that May currently suffers through.

The Final Word


If it sounds like I'm being overly harsh, it's only because I care. As a character, Spider-Girl has so much promise that I just feel isn't being reached and it hurts. The last thing I would want to see is after Defalco closes the book on May that it'd be the last time we'd see her.

If you really want to save Spider-Girl, it's going to take more than just letter-writing campaigns; the save the book, it needs change.

Professional Fan Fiction

The solicitations for September came out yesterday and I was a bit perturbed by this:


Written by Howard Mackie & TOM DEFALCO
Penciled by TODD NAUCK
Cover by PASQUAL FERRY
You've been asking for it...and now it's here: THE CLONE SAGA!!! Marvel's most controversial event of all time returns with a vengeance, presenting the Clone Saga as it was originally intended to be told! From the minds behind the crossover that changed comics forever and the artist that introduced Spider-Man to President Obama, it's six issues of twists and turns that will shock fans old and new alike! Be here as Peter Parker's worst nightmare begins again...now with an ending you have to see to believe!



Not to mention this a few months ago:


Written by CHRIS CLAREMONT
Pencils & Covers by TOM GRUMMETT
BE HERE FOR THE BEGINNING! Comics icon and New York Times bestselling writer Chris Claremont returns to his legendary run with X-MEN: FOREVER! The shockwaves after the death of Magneto are still reverberating all over the world. Attempting to heal the rift between man and mutant kind, Professor Xavier volunteers his X-Men to go on a mission to capture Magneto's sole remaining Acolyte, Fabien Cortez! But with Nick Fury--and the entire world--watching over their shoulders, the stakes have never been higher for Cyclops, Jean Grey, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Gambit, Rogue, Kitty Pryde, Storm, Beast, and Professor X. With Tom Grummet bringing Claremont's vision to the page, this landmark series is packed with enough surprises and twists to shake the X-Men mythos to its very core!


What's next? Mark Waid doing Captain America as if Heroes Reborn never happened? The Fantastic Four the way it should be, with a crazy Reed, a sluty Sue, a scarred Ben, a skrull, an ex-con, and a Mini Dr Doom by Tom Defalco? Maybe bring back Roger Stern so he can needlessly re-explain the Hobgoblin. Oh wait, that already happened...

I totally get the desire to want to know what the original plans for these runs were (Personally I would love to read what Joe Kelly would have done with the X-Men had Magneto really tilted the world's axis back in 1998 and plunged everything into a new ice age) but I don't see the point of actually producing those works. It's fan wankery like this that is the cornerstone of fan fiction.

Fan Fiction is kind of a sore spot with me, I just don't see the point of it. My girlfriend has tried to justify fan fiction, and show me that it's not as bad as I think, but I still don't buy it. For every well written piece of fan fiction out there there are hundreds, if not thousands, of terrible terrible 'this is how it should have been done'/'this is how I'd fix everything' types of stories. And that's just how these books feel to me.

If you want to talk about what you wanted to do, do it in a book. If you want to execute some of those ideas, rework them into another book. Going back and producing new material for a by gone era just reeks of 'this is how it should have been done' should be left to the amateurs.

Besides, I wouldn't want new readers to have a well-thought out, cliff notes version of the clone saga. If they want to read about it, then god dammit, they'll have to read the whole confusing two-and-a-half years of it.