Sunday, September 5, 2010

Weekend Matinee: SCORPION

Imagine Chuck Norris, but uglier and with less charisma and you'd get Tonny Tulleners, the star of Scorpion.

This is one of those movies that I watched strictly because of the awesomeness of the poster. It was like someone threw Cobra through a window, with the Chuck Norris promise of something amazing. It's anything but.

I honestly couldn't tell you what the whole thing was about, as I couldn't really find the energy to focus on it. All I know is that someone got killed in Mexico and then Tonny had to go on a mission to kill more. Along the way, he kept having flashbacks to his youth where he and his hooligan brother attempt to vandalize a graveyard. Not in the typical spray paint kind of way, but in a "let's knock over some bust kind of way". It was a very odd way to spend a childhood.

Anyway, poor Tonny is unable to move this statue throughout his childhood and the failure haunts him into adulthood. Ultimately, after completing his mission of revenge or something he's able to find the strength to finally teach that fucking statue a lesson.

The moral: You're never too old for some good ol'fashioned graveyard vandalism.

I think I know what I'm going to do with the rest of my weekend...

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