My Crazy Controversial Lost Theory

Have you heard of this show, Lost? Buncha assholes get stuck on an island Gilligan-style with no means of escape? Been on the air for six years and has become somewhat of a cultural icon? Yeah, that's the one.



On a whim I jumped into Lost a few months ago prepared to take this crazy story head on, and found that I was quickly sucked in. That's not to say that I'm some kind of 'Lostie' or anything. Those people, while I'm sure strong in character, are a little nuts and overly obsessive. Good for them and their misguided tastes, I'm just into Lost for the plot.

Anyway, after such a large and concentrated dose of ABC's most popular drama, I came up with a some my own crazy theory about how the show will end.

Curious? Well good, otherwise you should probably stop reading (please don't stop reading)

SPOILERS ABOUND for those who haven't seen any of Season 6 yet!

In a nutshell: Jack Shephard is Jesus Christ



It becomes fairly obviously very quickly when watching Lost that one of the major overtones is one of faith and belief in a higher power. Throughout the majority of the series we watch John Locke and Jack Shephard square off ideologically as they try to save the survivors of Flight 815, with the former believing in the island while the latter strives for physical proof. So then why would Jack be the messiah and not Locke? Simply put, Jack has more in common with the Son of God than Locke ever did.

Here's how I see it: They both have issues with an absent father, who keeps affecting their life in mysterious and unseen ways (see Christian Shephard, AKA God) while they try to save their followers from danger (The Island, or the Roman Empire). I could even make the stretch that being a surgeon is akin to being a carpenter, in that they both involve construction, but I won't.

So for this to ultimately work out, the series will have to end with Jack making the big sacrifice, giving up his life, so that the others (not THE OTHERS, but you know, the other passengers) can finally get off that damned island.

Besides, Locke is more like Professor Xavier anyway.



Further, I think after Jesus-Jack sacrifices himself, he'll be resurrected as the new Jacob-figure for the island.

Everyone cool? Okay, so it was revealed at the end of Season five that Jacob had a buddy on the island (the internet has dubbed The Man in Black, but I totally want to make the easy Twilight reference and call him Edward) who seemed to be his opposite half. Further, it was revealed that the this Man in Black has recently taken the form of John Locke and had Jacob killed. Now, this BlackLocke isn't just some spirit in a meat suit, it's the only physical form that the former Man in Black can take.

Stick with me here: Jacob and the Man in Black are the same and can only take the physical form of one person, but need a dead body to do so. Right? And it's not like any body can be emulated, it has to be a specially chosen candidate which, according to episode 6.4, includes a certain spinal surgeon.

I want you to imagine this for the series finale: A tearful good-bye as Jack sacrifices himself for everyone's safe escape, a series of epilogues with our main cast and then, a shot of a beach where a lone man walks out of a cave and plops down on the sand. John Locke walks up behind him, saying something snarky, and then the reveal, it was Jack who was resurrected.



I'm sorry for ruining Lost's final moments for you, I just can't help myself.

Your Monthly Dose of Throg

Guess who's back, kicking ass and taking names?



Oh Throg, how I've missed you. These past few months have been dismal without your diminutive reptilian godliness, don't ever leave again.

And it looks like you won't, what with your own ongoing series starting next month! Now it's up to us, Internet, to keep him around forever. You with me? Good!

See you next month Throg!

Valentine's Day the Marvel Way

You know what book is really good for inexplicable reasons?



Who woulda guessed that a holiday one-shot (a Valentine's Day one at that!) is not only fun, but dangerously awesome. Divided into four short stories, Marvel Heartbreakers shows some of our favorite Marvel heroes in assorted states of romance.

There's a college-aged Peter Parker caught double scheduling dates with Gwen and Mary Jane, only to get stuck in a fight with a non-Newtonian blob by Kathryn Immonen and Elena Casagrande.



Beast puts the moves on Dazzler as she contemplates her next career move in a sweet story from Jim McCann and David Lopez.



And Snowbird wrestles with her inner desire for a mate while she wrestles two ancient Inuit gods.



It was a really solid issue, filled with fun, romance, and action. Definitely something you should consider picking up on a whim.

Oh.

Also it had THE RETURN OF NEXTWAVE!!



Well, kinda. Really it's just Boom Boom and Elsa Bloodstone setting a trap and talking about past trysts as they wait for their prey. They're prey, of course, being Elsa's latest ex, and quite possibly the character find of 2010:



Oh Nextwave, don't ever change. It's the only Valentine's Day gift I ever wanted.

But seriously, don't ever change.

Wes Anderson's Spider-Man

What do you get when you mix a noted navel-gazing hero and the most navel-gazing-est navel-gazing director?



Makes me want to see Wes Anderson penned Spider-Man story... Almost.

Venom is a Slut Part 2

Just like a slut to take over, bond, and then try to wreck havoc on all your friends. Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. HEY-OH!

How I would save Spider-Girl

A while back I wrote an article about how I really want to like Spider-Girl, but just couldn't connect to it. Well, after months of consideration, I came up with an idea to reinvigorate the series, something that I'm sure all the true fans will absolutely hate.



Let's get started from the bottom up, shall we?

The Creative Team

For a book that's trying to rope in that mythical young girl demographic, it does nothing to really appeal to those younger sensibilities. Right now Spider-Girl is the best example of an old school, done-in-one Marvel comic which is what the diehards like about it, unfortunately it mainly only appeals to those older fans.

What the book needs is a creative team that respects the Silver Age trappings of the book, but that can do so with more modern sensibilities. A Sean Mckeever, Phil Tobin, Dan Slott, Jeff Parker, or even a Kathryn Immonen (a woman on a female lead book, go figure) would have a blast on a book like this without violating the tone of it.

For the record, it's not that Tom Defalco's a terrible writer, it's just time for him to let the book go. It's amazing that he was able to create a character and shepard her adventures for 15 years, but eventually you just need an influx of new ideas lest the book become stagnant and unappealing to new readers.

On the art side, frankly, Sal Buscema needs to go. His rigid inking style pulls the wrong aspects out of Frenz's pencils, making the characters look much older then they're supposed to, making the book less appealing. Youth is all about smooth lines and fluid movement, something that Frenz can do fine, but needs a different inker to really accentuate it (See Spider-Girl 52).

The Status Quo



For the duration of it's run, Spider-Girl has been doing it's best impression of Spider-Man circa 1964 and it's time for a change. I understand the mentality of keeping May in high school in that on paper it seems like it's the way to appeal to kids, but it's never rung true for me. I feel like kids want to look up to someone and don't necessarily care if they're fictional heroes are the same age or not. In fact, I would argue that Spider-Man was the coolest, and really took off in popularity once he went to college. Think about it, the majority of his defining storylines happen when he's in college (The machinery lifting in ASM 42, Spider-Man No More ASM 50, The Death of Gwen Stacey ASM 121, etc.) But I digress, here are my three steps to save Spider-Girl.

Step one: Get her out of High School.
May Parker doesn't act, talk, or look like a high schooler so why pretend anymore? In a perfect world, not only would I have her graduate, I would flash forward a few years and pick up the story while she's mid-way through her college education, studying to be a social worker.

Tom Defalco once said the difference between Peter and May is that Peter acts because when he doesn't people die, while May acts because when she does, people live. It's a slight difference on the same theme, but reveals how deep May's sense of responsibility is.

Social work, in that the idea of helping people get through the rough times and supplying them with the resources that they need, seems like the perfect profession for May. It accentuates her penchant for giving super villains second chances (See Normie, Raptor, Electra, etc.) and her sense of responsibility.

Step two: Tragedy.
This is a tricky step, but probably the most necessary, as all great Marvel characters have a bit of tragedy in their back story.

It would be really easy to slaughter someone from the supporting cast and give May some grit and determination to be a hero, but it wouldn't be right for the character. Going back to the "her actions means people live" thing, she would need to experience someone dying in a way that she couldn't control, like from a disease. More specifically that person should be one of her parents.

Now I'm on the fence as to which, because both have merits. On the one hand, having Peter pass would give her the motivation to continue the legacy and help her get out from the shadow of her father. On the other, Mary Jane passing could force Peter to really grow up, and stop taking stupid risks by coming out of superhero retirement. Either way, it would make May do what she does to honor that passed parent, and add a depth to her sense of responsibility.

Step Three: A New Rogues Gallery.
I mentioned this too in my previous article, but seriously she needs to stop going up against cheap knockoffs of Spider-Man's villains and it needs to stop.



When you think of any classic superhero's rogue's gallery, you'll see a collection of mirror images of that hero. Batman's the best example, where each one of his villains are some distorted vision of the virtues that he holds dear. Spider-Man's the same way, his big lasting villains are people corrupted by science. Now look at Spider-Girl's rogues and what do you see? They're all her enemies because they were her father's enemies (for example, currently her book is filled with villains from the mid-80s Silvermane, Man Mountain Marko, Black Tarantula, etc.).

If Spider-Girl is ever going to become her own hero she needs to start developing some true rogues that reflect who she is as a person, not who her father was. How about a girl who didn't grow up with supportive parents and became a supervillain? what about a villain of pure id, that doesn't feel responsible for their own actions? Feminist upset at the name Spider-Girl? Something. Anything would be better than the rehashes that May currently suffers through.

The Final Word


If it sounds like I'm being overly harsh, it's only because I care. As a character, Spider-Girl has so much promise that I just feel isn't being reached and it hurts. The last thing I would want to see is after Defalco closes the book on May that it'd be the last time we'd see her.

If you really want to save Spider-Girl, it's going to take more than just letter-writing campaigns; the save the book, it needs change.

Read Franken-Castle!

Stop what you're doing and go read Franken-Castle.

I know, I know, you don't believe me. "It's just a cheap stunt for sales," you say, "it makes the character too goofy," or maybe, "I remember when they did this years ago and it was shitty then, therefore it'll be shitty now." I thought all those things myself when this Franken-Castle idea was announced, yet I found myself strangely drawn to it, and man, I've never been more proud of my lack of willpower.



The story in a nutshell: Frank Castle is brutally dismembered and left for dead, only to be discovered by an underground civilization of monsters who rebuild and revive our now horribly disfigured hero in hopes that he'll be their new champion against vicious monster hunters.



If that pitch didn't get you, check this out: each issue gets bigger, bloodier, and better with more full on crazy monster-on-monster hunter action that should be legally available.

After two issues of setting up the premise and being pretty alright, the latest issue (which came out this week!) blew me away; it's the most fun I've had in a long time.

It wasn't just Morbius (Monster City's resident vampire/scientist) fighting a steampunk cyborg.



And it wasn't just Jack Russell (of Werewolf By Night fame) facing off against a battalion of pure silver samurai sword wielding Monster Hunters.



Although, It almost was the appearance Giganto (the classic Fantastic Four Monster)... But it wasn't.



Nay. All these things were amazingly awesome, but the thing that really made me fall in love with this book so completely was simply this:



A Manthing/Franken-Castle fastball special.

Sometimes it's the simple things that really make you happy.

Seriously, do yourself a favor and if you're not picking this up, go out and get it, it's a big fun romp that doesn't come along very often and sadly never lasts long enough.

The Four Oft Ignored Facts About The Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters is a pretty amazing franchise when you think about it. Who could have guessed that a kitschy comedy with a couple of SNL alums would become a multi-million dollar, international sensation for over two decades. It's nuts.

Recently, with the increasing hype over a mythical third movie, and the release of some truly terrific toys, I had myself a mini-marathon and I learned a few things. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Dana Barrett only attracts creeps.



Poor Dana, all she really wants to do is play her cello and make a comfortable living. Too bad for her every man she meets wants to drag her down. Think about the men she's been involved with:

Louis Tully - A dull, nerdy accountant with a lack of personal skills, no sense of personal space, and the stench of desperation. Given his attachment to his mother (as mentioned in GB2), he probably sees her as a replacement.
Janosz - A nerdy, foreign art curator with a different idea of personal skills, somehow less of a sense of personal space, and an almost obsessive attitude when it comes to Dana. Plus he kidnapped her baby and held Dana hostage, that's just not cool. If he had it his way, she would strictly be a homemaker and nothing more (see GB2 where he's shocked that she's working while she has a baby at home).
Andre Wallance - The fellow orchestra member who married Dana and then, after knocking her up, divorced and moved to Europe. Totally a marriage of convenience that once it became more complicated (read: Oscar was born) he split.
Peter Venkman - A womanizer that can't commit, but isn't afraid to string them along. He's content playing house and remaining ever-young, regardless of the responsibilities that pile up. He'd probably make a great roommate for Andre.

Maybe it'd just be best for Dana to go asexual and stop giving these guys chances. She might actually get to where she wants to be in life that way.

2. Egon is mentally ill.



Oh Egon, so unassuming, so aloof, and so psychotic. On the surface he might seem like your typical no nonsense scientist, but as you peel away the layers you see he has some serious issues. Most readily this is seen in GB2 (maybe he just went off his rocker after the whole Zuul fiasco?) in two separate instances.

First, while conducting experiments on human emotions, he's visited by Dana who is looking for help. After agreeing to help, she kisses him on the cheek, giving him a moment of joy. His response to this joy? Take a puppy away from a little girl so he can study her sadness. That's seriously messed up.

Later, while studying the mood slime with Ray, they present their findings to Peter. It's here that Egon admits to sleeping with, and very possibly making love to, the mood slime to see what it would do. These are not the actions of a sane man. Clearly the ghostbusters need to get him the help he needs quick before he snaps and destroys half of New York.

3. New York City is a very fickle place.



The ghostbusters rise and fall from grace was so quick, they should make sure they don't have whiplash. In the first movie after capturing one ghost, the guys are rocketed to stardom, culminating in a massive showdown with an ancient god and an one hundred foot marshmellow man in the middle of Manhattan. A feat that, while clearly in the public view, was quickly discredited as nothing more than a fancy light show that resulted in millions of dollars in property damage. Suddenly the ghostbusters were broke and the butt of every bad joke in town.

Fast forward five years later, the disgraced ghostbusters are on trial for more property damage when their attacked by ghosts (namely the Scolari Brothers), who are rapidly contained. Faster than you can say boo, the ghostbusters are the toast of the town again, ultimately saving it from an ancient evil again.

At least after that they got the key to the city, but who knows what happened after that. Chances are someone sued for damages at the museum, leaving poor Ray and Winston to resume their careers as party clowns.

4. Winston deserves a raise



While Ray, Peter, and Egon have a personal stake in the Ghostbusters franchise and the science therein, Winston just answered a classified ad. Poor guy was in desperate need for a job ("As long as there's a paycheck in it, I'll believe whatever you want") and probably had a slew of other job interviews lined up that fateful day he got a job as a ghost exterminator. Little did he know that the job would have him face off against world destroyers, send him down a river of hate slime, and put several arrests on his record. Not to mention that it destroyed any other career aspirations (I assume, given that he went on to be a party clown instead of getting a different profession).

Whatever he's being paid for this crap job, he deserves triple that for the amount of shit he has to put up with.

Remind me never to become a ghostbuster.

Merry Christmas!

May all your wishes be granted by Santa and his Infinity Gauntlet, or at least until he goes mad and destroys the universe.

Happy Holidays everyone!

The Obligatory Platypus Robot Dark Reign Tie In

I can't stop thinking about Dark Reign.


Which is weird, because of all of Marvel's recent events, it's the one I haven't been able to connect to. I feel like it lacked direction, drive, and a general cohesion that all the other events have had. And yet, here I am unable to think about everything else.

Don't get me wrong, I kinda dig the idea behind it: The bad guys win and change the world to their sick whims while the heroes are forced to watch from the gutter. It's the original Thunderbolts plan, just perfected and successful. It's just... not good.

Well that's not right, because there are some great things about it. It's more that it has the trappings of a big event, with no driving force behind it. That's what bothers me: I don't feel like it's going anywhere

It's probably because it's driven by Bendis, who excels at great ideas, but seriously lacks in execution (I'll elaborate that point in a future post, I promise).

That all changed this morning when I read Siege: The Cabal, the kick off for the next big Marvel event, conveniently called The Siege.


Against all odds, I totally loved it.

It not-so-subtly reminded me of the Illuminati one-shot that kicked off Civil War three (or so) years ago with the crumbling of this elite group but with all the characters twisted for the dark side.

Finally I'm enticed for the future, I can see the end coming, and I can't wait to see these villains finally get their comeuppance.

Unfortunately I know what's going to happen. The run up to the event will be awesome, and that first issue will be fantastic, but slowly the book will run out of steam and ultimately end on the standard unsatisfying and open-ended way Bendis ends all his storylines.

Sigh.

Well, I'll revel in the excitement while I can. Join me will you?