Monday, April 4, 2011

Galactus' Mightiest Herald

When it comes to the heralds of Galactus, only one stands out as the absolute greatest. Sure, Norrin Radd has done a bang up job, but he tends to whine... A LOT. Terrax, Morg, Air Walker, Johnny Storm, Nova (the girl with flaming hair, not the dude with a bucket on his head), Fire Walker, Deadpool, I'm sure had their bright spots, but in the end they were all found lacking. Only one stands atop the mighty legacy of cosmic personal assistants as the greatest: Aunt May, The Golden Oldie.

I know, I know. You think I'm totally pulling your leg. What if I told you I wasn't? And more, what if I told you that Aunt May actually solves the whole Galactus problem for the entire universe (assuming, of course, you don't subscribe to the 'Celestial fetus eater' theory of my favorite cosmic force as pushed forth by Earth X)? Intrigued? Good.

Let's start by checking on the then current herald, Nova, and her reason for abandoning her post.

That's right: Dead. If only poor Galan could find someone who was as loyal as they were strong and smart enough to get out of the way of an explosion. Good help, am I right?

As The Mighty One deals with his galactic grief, the action shifts to more familiar turf: The circus. Here Peter Parker tries to deal with the awkwardness of hanging out with his ex, Mary Jane, while his Aunt May tries to remain oblivious and begins talking to anyone else in her general vicinity.

As it turns out, this random child is Franklin Richards and wouldn't you know it, his entire family is in tow for some hot clown action. Unfortunately for them (especially The Thing, who was WAY too excited to see clowns in their underpants), they receive a distress call urging them to break Franklin's heart and save the world.

However, after some urging from the newly arrived Spider-Man, Marvel's first family decides to leave their first, and only, son with some strange old lady they met at the circus.

It's not like anything bad could happen. Right?

Uh... Moving on.

Wouldn't you know it, just as soon as everyone gets settled for some sweet acrobatic action who shows up but Galactus going on and on about needing a new herald. Poor Franklin, that kid just can't catch a break at this damn circus.

Of course, the Big G wants to make the kid that just wanted to see some lion tamers into his newest herald. But, Galactus didn't count on the nimbleness of the creepy octogenarian woman leaping in front of his herald-creating beam, resulting in the greatest mistake since those clumsy scientists spilled chocolate all over the other's peanut butter.

initially, Galacus ain't so pleased, but really who would? But Galactus' hunger outweighs his displeasure, at this point he doesn't care who his herald is as long as they get him something to eat. While Aunt May ignores the request to process this huge life change, Franklin whips out some twinkies - sorry, TWINKLES - and chucks'em at the man with a planet-sized hunger. The result?

The mission is clear: Get Galactus Twinkles. So while Franklin raids the pantry, Aunt May tackles the rest of the world, over turning every last stone to get her hands on that delicious yellow pastry. Alas, it's not enough for the big man, and he sends May into the great unknown to find sustenance.

And then she finds it:

A Giant Space Twinkie Twinkle.

As it turns out, there has been a master of the cosmic confectionaries out there waiting for someone with the right appetite for his concoctions. Faster than you can say "well, duh", Galactus arrives ready to pig out. After seeing this vast deliciousness, along with the capable and eager-to-please chef, Galactus realizes that he has no use for a herald any more. Thanks to Aunt May, he's found what he's always wanted: a personal chef.

A kind parting word to Aunt May later, The Purple Pointed One does what we all wish we could do and becomes one with that beautiful spongy cake.

And that, my friends, is why Aunt May is the GREATEST herald Galactus ever had.

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