Friday, July 3, 2009

The Darker Side of Evil Alien Conquerors

Evil Alien Conquerors is your typical terrible, wannabe cult classic sci fi comedy. Made in 2002, it stars Diedrich Bader (Mike) and Chris Parnell (Doug) as dim-witted would-be conquerors of Earth from the planet Kabijj. Imagine if Invader Zim was an Adam McKay/Will Ferrell movie, take away 90% of the cleverness and you'd have Evil Alien Conquerors.

Now I was planning on doing one of those 'Oh this movie is horrible!' movie reviews, but as the movie progressed I was overtaken by it's dark and creepy subtext.

You see, as our leads arrive on Earth, they're instantly befriended by a local named Kenny. And Kenny is a psychopath.

'He doesn't look so bad,' you say. And I say that's exactly why you'd end up as a lamp in this guy's entryway.

Let's look at the evidence:

1- After seeing our future Earth overlords arrival, he cruises up next to them in his creepy 'stranger-danger'-mobile offering them a place to stay. He could be a kind-hearted, naive local. OR he could have learned through the years that the best victims are crazy drifters who have just rolled into town who noone will miss!

2- Upon learning of our Mike and Doug's plan to decapitate the population of the world, Kenny becomes more and more intrigued by the idea and offers to help on the condition that his head be on the largest spike.

3- Kenny further encourages the idea of slaughtering the people of Earth by taking Mike and Doug to a hardware store to buy better weapons (a machette and a chainsaw to be exact) and then to a farm so they can test out their new arsenal on some livestock. As the would-be conquerors attempt to subdue a benevolent bovine, Kenny just watches with a tinge of disappointment in his eyes.

4- Later, they head back to Kenny's house which is pretty immaculate for a young 20-something bachelor and is only stocked with Smirnoff Ice to drink, which made me think that he might be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that), that is until we meet his roommate Ronnie, another psychopath

Sustaining on a diet of only Sun Chips and Crystal Geyser, Ronnie's mighty antisocial with many violent tendancies. When not being the muscle for The Mighty Ducks, Ronnie is 'banging chicks' in his room in between shooting allegedly 'infomercials'.

Why the quotes? Well, for all the hard fucking coming from Ronnie's room, we only ever hear his grunts and never anything feminine. He could just be furiously masterbating, Or he could have some poor woman bound and gagged (or worse!) for his pleasure.

Later in the movie, we get a glimpse into his 'infomercial' studio which consisted of a cheap camera, a single light, tacky tropical wall decal. It was here that he convinced Croker, the alien devastator out to destroy Mike and Doug (played by Tyler Labine from TV's Reaper!), to 'shoot an infomercial' while they waited for Mike and Doug to return to the house. Lucky for Croker, our extraterrestrial 'heroes' arrive before Ronnie can turn all Buffalo Bill on him.

Ultimately the movie ends with Ronnie being put out of his misery, and Kenny becoming the ruler of a distant empire.

Oh! Did I forget to mention that while trying to warn Mike and Doug about the whereabouts of Croker, Kenny got distracted by a huge sword which accidently transported him to the alien's homeworld where he promptly cut off the emperor's head thereby becoming the new emperor of Kabijj? Sorry about that.

Who knows what wanton death and destruction Kenny's rule will bring to Kabijj and it's surrounding planets? I guess we'll have to hope and pray for a sequel. In the meantime, we'll have the intriguing awfulness of the original to keep our imaginations spinning.

Check it out for yourself at Hulu! and tell'em the Platypus sent you*

*This is not recommended

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